Daughters may out grow your lap....

When I opened facebook this morning, like I do most mornings, I saw that a friend of mine had posted this quote:

A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart.

He wrote this in celebration of his daughter's birthday. The quote struck me right away because on this day two years ago, my first born daughter not only outgrew my lap, she out grew this earth! I did not know what this day would bring in terms of grieving and sadness and even had a pretty good panic attack (or two) over it last week.

About the grieving...I am going to address it here, publicly. We have all been there to some degree. In my humble opinion, it is not well addressed in this society. Resources are few. Socially...yea, well, no. It's not the same as depression. There ain't no pill...
Some days the pain is so great that all I hear is a very loud ringing in my head. If you talk to me it may seem like I really am paying attention but it's likely I will not remember what we said. Some days my feet feel like ten thousand pounds of lead each. It's horrendous. Some days. Some days it makes me so angry and frustrated because I'll never understand it fully as long as I am of this earth. Some days I am so profoundly sad. I miss her in the physical like crazy. Some days. Some days I feel absolutely crazy thinking that I've received some "message" or other from her. Some days I embrace that. Some days I worry so hard about my other children. I worry about the time they lost with me. Some days I think about all her beautiful friends and feel very jealous. There will be no college, wedding, or babies. Some days I am so very disappointed.

At this time last year I was in Arizona. I had a cry up on Bear Wallow. I went to all the places that we used to. I visited with the friends we made. I came home and damn near lost my mind. The Sads had come for what felt like an eternity. I was in my bed or on my couch for three months. I am so very grateful for the people in my life who showed up and stayed. I was not easy to be near. I had a tough time with myself. My doctor said clinical depression. I was in and out of hospitals thinking I had a heart problem. I sure did have a heart problem, but not one detectable with their instruments. My heart was broken.

It was like being at the bottom of a very deep and very dark canyon without a flashlight. It was cold. It was lonely even though people who love me came around.
It was a very scary place to be.

Slowly, one minute, then one hour, then one day at a time I began to emerge from that darkness. I prayed more. My prayer life took a huge turn. The comfort of God's peace was granted. 2010 brought many more gifts and reasons to celebrate as well.
Almost everywhere I turn there is something new to be happy about. It is November now but feels a bit like spring time. All around are reminders to live, be happy, and love.
I have begun to facilitate a bereavement group in my church. This is nothing more than locking arms with those whose pain is similar (no 2 are anywhere near alike so I never pretend to know)and walking through the dark together. I've made new friends and some strides in my business. The children are thriving and pour their joy on me daily. There have been many reasons to celebrate and even some we made up.

The biggest lesson I've learned is that this life is for the living. It is to be embraced and celebrated, for, not one of us physically gets out alive. I am grateful for the knowledge of just how precious and fleeting this life can be. So very happy am I to have been reminded of that today by a quote in celebration of daughters.

So very grateful am I for the time spent, the laughter, the love (that continues), and the lessons.


Rest in peace, my sweet angel. I know the day will come when we are reunited. In the mean time, I'll do what I can to rock my days, grab 'em with two hands and squeeze all the joy out of this life that I can.