Happiness Starts at the Stuffmart...

Ok.
It's a problem.
Not just my problem; it's a big problem.
I haven't felt safe enough to say it until...

Until....

They went and made a FaceBook page about it.
Now I feel safe enough to talk about it.

I TOO went to Target for shampoo and spent a hundred fifty dollars!!!!

What is it with this spending, buying, consuming, aquiring, stashing, hording, amassing----don't make me get the thesaurus----purchasing, bargain hunting??? Well we'll save money if we buy that! Right???
Sorry to say, friends, NOOOO!!!
We'll save money if we DON'T buy that!

Seriously, do I have to wait till Bath and Body Works January/June sale so I can stock pile hand soap and shower gel? Really? I need a different fragrance for each season? REALLY?
How about lipstick? Come on, fess up girls. Do I really need another one only a shade and a half from the 73 I already own? Oh! This one has plumperrrrr....yea, we need the plumperrrrr....
Candles, we need candles. Every flavor. Change with the seasons too. Not.
Socks 'cause they're on sale? Books? I must have ten books on the same concepts by ten different authors. Well now I need a smart looking tote bag for these books, right? How about a new handbag because, well, I don't have THAT color yet? Sundress cause it was cheap? Flip flops to match? Earrings too? Sun glasses? I know! Let's go to the OUTLETS!
GEEZE!

I realized, this week, that I truly have a problem. I was picking up a family member from the hospital after they were done with testing. (No worries, all is well.)
The hospital! You'd think I'd be safe there, right? As it turns out, on this particular day, the gift shop was having a close out sale to move inventory.
Okay, fair enough, I didn't have to go into the gift shop. Exactly. I didn't even have to go in! They had these crazy tables all over the lobby! It was like a flea market. So of COURSE I had to look. Come on! He was in recovery for an hour and a half! What's a girl to do??
I found a sweet tea scented candle. Twenty bucks. Whew. Put that down. Even at half price I don't need a lavender candle for ten. They had the same fragrance a size or two smaller. Six dollars. Half price. That makes three. I also had my youngest with me who wanted to buy a present for the person we were there to pick up.
Okay. A mug with a sweet saying. She's so thoughtful. Five bucks.
So my total purchase was eight dollars.
She was so sorry ma'am. They only took a debit card on purchases of $10 or more.
This was my moment. I could A)put the crap down and walk. or B)find another small item to make the $10 minimum or C)there's an ATM right over there ma'am where you can get some cash.
Yea. I went to the ATM. Took out the cash and made the purchase.

What void are we trying to fill?
What are we avoiding looking at and instead aquiring all this stuff to look at?
What anxieties will truly be calmed by more stuff?
Out of curiosity, is this unique to American culture?
Anyone?

This I know.
I lack nothing.
Serenity and peace are but one breath away.
My life is more abundant without this distracting stuff. Instead of time spent aquiring, then taking care of, then working to make more money to aquire more, how about a little simple abundance.
How about abundance of time spent with loved ones?
How about abundance of time spent with your Self?
How about abundance of natural beauty in the world around you to enjoy?
How about abundance of peace in letting go of the need to have more?
I lack nothing.
Neither do you.
Let's just be. We are after all human beings. We are not human doings nor are we human havings.

A few months back I blogged on frugality. While I am still pretty good at most concepts stated, I've not yet conquered this frivilous spending. Cutting corners at the grocery store does not justify spending the savings on junk I don't need!

I declare a DO OVER!
For the next sixty days I commit (uh oh...publicly)to a spending freeze. If the item is not an essential neccessity it's not going in the cart. Period.
I will use every drop of everything I already have before replacing it.
I'll maybe even find new ways to use old stuff. It's just enough already.


Who's in?

Waving the White Flag.....

Surrender...

Hmmmm....

Surrender...

Are we waiving a white flag? Are we giving in? Did we some how create a win/lose situation? Are we still able to stand our ground?

Or, does it provide that ever elusive serenity that I often jump through hoops to experience?

I find that there are so many factors in any given situation that are beyond my control. That being the case, 80% of any of my successes come from just showing up.
There are many things I am responsible for but showing up, just showing up is more than half the battle.

I was in a discussion about a pretty heavy topic with someone close to me recently.
This was one of those decision making type discussions. I did enter in with my preferred outcome in mind, as I often do. This time though, I truly wanted the decision to be mutually reached and fully agreed upon. Not asking for "my way" here.
That there was Step 1 for me. Not asking for my way. Accepting the things I cannot change, as it were.
Into the conversation I was not hearing what I wanted to or even what I thought I would. So here's what I did.

I sat back.
I took some deep calming breaths.

I shut my mouth.
(It does a world of good to shut one's mouth. Two ears, one mouth, you do the math.)

Then I listened.
I listened with my ears, my heart, and my higher self.
I gained a good amount of respect for the person I was talking with and their position. Even better, I realized that it did not change what I think, how I feel, or disturb my peace of mind. The fact that we did not even come to a concrete decision leaves me undisturbed as well. There are some issues in the way of making this decision. But they are not mine.

They are not mine.

How wonderfully freeing it is to understand that.
They are not mine.
I do not have to work hard to convince this other person about anything.
I do not have to fix them.
I do not have to look after them.
I do not have to seek solutions for them.

This is where it gets simple. *Note that simple and easy are not the same!
Sometimes the answer is no answer.
Sometimes the outcome will play out to be a situation or scenario better than what I could conceive of. Sometimes it will be what I didn't even know I wanted.

That is the type of surrender I'm talking about here. Not conceding to another's point of view or agenda....

...just sittin' back and bending with the flow of life.

Take a deep breath.
Let life in.

Pajama Party

Wow! What an exciting and happy week!
The kids are off of school, relaxed, and having fun.
I am back to work...no, really, the doing this do over at work, work.
The company I work for, Primerica, (and this IS a plug) is undergoing a DO OVER
of their/our own! A former subsidiary of Citi, we'll be ringin' that bell on Wall Street at the close of business on April 1st and standing on our own. WOOT! This is 30+ years in the making and there's never been a better time to get involved! (ask me how!)

I've got a really good one for you today.
Get ready for a good laugh.
About three weeks ago I hired a psychologist who happens to specialize in anger management. Oh, heck yea. Don't let my sunny disposition fool you. Anger. Plenty. Mmm Hmm.
This guy reminds me a whole lot of Jack Nicholson so it is kind of funny. He is a bit slighter in build but has that raspy Jack voice. He's also a little abrasive, but in a charming way. He keeps it real. No excuses. Either you are a thing or you are not. There is no try. These philosophies really appeal to me. He also offers a loosely (very loosely) structured program of getting one foot back in front of the other. It's not just yammering on. He does put some focus on result. I have used him in the past for other situations so I thought I'd hire him again. To manage my anger.
My first appointment was double booked by his secretary. I thought that was rather ironic. I walk into the office only to be told I didn't have an appointment that day. I knew I did. I pulled out my planner. There it was in black and well, my planner pages are blue. I was mad but wasn't going to say so as the secretary was apologizing her fool bloody head off. Really, it was almost to the point of foolish!
And then THAT was making me mad. It was almost as if it were a test to see how I'd react. Maybe one of those nutty things that nutty docs do for kicks instead of a boring questionaire assessment. I kept my cool as we rescheduled the appointment. "oh don't you worry....everything happens for a reason...its okaaaayyy...." Meanwhile she's still apologizing like she killed my dog...

I got a new appointment and mumbled to myself all the way to the car. I was not amused. In retrospect, I am sure it might have appeared amusing to see a woman walking out of the shrink's office mumbling to herself. There's testimonial for ya!

So we had 3 appointments and things were going well. I am making progress. Feeling great about nearly everything. I've gotten 7 pounds in front of my weight issue! (thank you Zumba!) I am back at work and actually productive! The respectful rapport and understanding has returned between me and the kids. Life is good. Today's appointment confirmed all of that for me.

Today I went to my appointment, knocked on the door and let myself in as usual. Out comes Dr. Makinmemad in his paJAMaaaaas!!!! Did I mention the office is at his house? He says to me, "What're you doin' here? I don't open till 11" I said, "Well Dr. Crazypants I have a 10:00 appointment." ..."No you don't, that's impossible. I gotta go to the bank. I gotta confirm reservations. I gotta this that and 32 other things to do and I'm all embarrassed standing here in my pajamas."

Now I'm thinkin' okaaaaaay...where's the camera?? This cannot be for real. I just chuckled a little bit and told him not to be embarrassed about his flannels. (giggle)
They were rather stylish blue and green plaid worn with a nautica sweatshirt.
And then I reminded him that HE made the appointment only last Thursday. It's Tuesday today. Must've been a long weekend. He informed me that that was impossible because he doesn't open until 11. He dismissed me and asked me to call this afternoon to reschedule.

ummmmm......


yea........

about that.....

Today I learned that I am doing really, really well. The professional I hired to help me cannot get out of his jammies long enough to look in the appointment book and I was worried about being 90 seconds late. I do find it extremely ironic and rather amusing.
But here's the best news of all.
That guy just saved me 50 bucks a week.
Closer and closer to that 1.46 Million.

Everything does happen for a reason. The messages are usually pretty clear. I did not need that guy. Perhaps, he may benefit from as much as reading my blog. Sounds like SOMEbody could use a DO OVER...find some quiet head space...something!

Sometimes the messages aren't so clear.
Then you just have to be patient and wait for it.
TRUTH is always revealed.

;)
LOL

Whose Problem It Anyway?

I am soooo calling a Do Over....
Sorry for the gap in my writing but the poop did hit the fan in the last few weeks and my head was in a very dark and stinky place (if you catch my drift...)
Also I gave up the facebook for lent which inadvertently led to the giving up of much more of my computer time in favor of more prayer, meditation, reading etc.

Anyway, what I want to share today is something so personal but well worth putting out there. When it was first said to me I was totally offended (that ol' chestnut!)but now am able to see the validity and even apply it to my current situation.

When I was in the throws of the final treatments for my daughter in Arizona I constantly sought the wisdom of a very spiritual man. His name is Pastor Fred. My kids call him P Freddy. He leads the good people of Hope Community Church in Scottsdale Arizona. If you ever have the chance, believe me, it is an hour well spent. For me, anyway, God delivers a personal message right to me through this man every single time. Like it or not. The easy ones and the turn around and take a good hard look at your own damn self kind. Good stuff.

One day, near the end of Cait's life I was totally F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G O-U-T. I went to him for some comfort and guidance. It went a little something like this...

Me: OMG OMG OMG What am I gonna do? How am I going to handle this? I am all alone! I feel so lost! I'm outta my head! What am I gonna do?? I can't get her to do this that or the other! I can't find the cure! I can't understand! I don't get the message here! I'm so confused! I, I, I, I, I!!!! EEEK!! Help me Help me Help MEEE!!!

P Freddy: What is the absolute worst case scenario here?

Me: She'll die!! What'll I do then? (nearly hyperventilating by now even though I brought us both a Tazo Calm tea....iced of course....this was the desert!)

P Freddy: So? She dies? So?

Me: SoooOOOOOoooooo???? So? Are you kidding me??? SO?????

P Freddy: Yes, Michelle. What happens if she dies? What then happens to you?

Me: I, uh, errr, (so much for Toastmasters) ummmmm....i.....still.....live?

P Freddy: Yes ma'am. You go on. You live. What needs to happen here is that you need to separate what is happening to her from what is happening to you. Caiti has cancer, you do not.

Here's where I nearly spit my tea on the ground.

Me: Wha? Cai..? Huh? Really? Her? Not me?

I really did not quite know what to make of that at the time. Really. There I was in Ari - freaking - zona and this guy was telling me that this was not happening to me. The rest of my family in NJ. So many, TOO many things WAAAAAY beyond my control.

Hmmmmm.....offended.....at first.

But, my friends, therein lies the lesson.
I learned that there is just way the heck too much beyond my control that I must let it go. Cancer was happening to Cait and not to me. Her dad was going through some stuff that I was not equipped to understand or help him with. At this particular time my kids were all back in NJ and I had no control over what was going on there either.

Currently, my teenagers (God bless them, please!!) are making some really goofy choices. To the best of my knowledge they are experimenting and exploring. Substances and their budding sexuality. Yikes. This all came to a head about 3 weeks ago. I immediately went into my knee jerk BETTER FIND A WAY TO FIX THIS/THEM NOW mode, which just does not work. With the help of some very wise friends and compassionate friends I am able to sit back. I sit back just far enough to check my behavior, offer guidance (sometimes very LOUD guidance) but let them do as they'll do. They do and will also live with the real consequences of their choices.

And....

That is all happening to them and not me.
I have learned to let go, and let God.
What ever this is, I know He's got it.

Just for today, let it go.
Control only what you can.
Your thoughts. Your beliefs. Your behaviors.

Go outside (it is gorgeous on the Jersey Shore today!).
Take a walk. Put it down. Get on your bike. Paint a picture. Do your thing.
Just let it go........
You'll find me on the boards in Asbury ;)

Love from the Father....

So I gave up the face book for Lent and have deliberately spent more time with God.
This is something I like to do during Advent and Lent. I carve out more time for prayer, meditation, and bible study. Why I do this in spurts is beyond me. It just occurred to me this year that it would be very beneficial to do this all the time.
Here's what I've learned thus far.
God listens.
God responds.
God likes to mess around a little.

In the past I have asked God for help with the "big" stuff. Help me be the best mom. Help me be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend etc. Help us find answers for Cait. What do you want me to dooooo with this life? You know, the big stuff. I never really "bothered" God, though with those things that I thought should be with in my control. (Ha---my control, that's a good one)
Until now, that is. Just a few days ago I asked God for some help with my housework. The floors are constantly filthy. No, really, fil-THY. Three kids, two dogs, one cat, and melting snow make for disaster on the hard woods. So I asked God to help me get in front of that. I also asked God for help with my weight struggle. I have gained 10-15 pounds for every year that my daughter was sick. After she died I gained another 15 pounds. I'll wait while you do that math.

............

Yes. That adds up to YIKES!! God, I need help with this! So I asked God to get me in front of that too. I am going to the YMCA faithfully and while things are beginning to tighten up, the scale has not budged!

Anyway, from a previous post you all know that I keep a small dish of chocolates next to my bed. I put one on the pillow each night for a treat. Lately I've taken to turning in early and reading or studying in bed. I also end up eating ALL of the chocolate. A few days ago after tidying my room I replenished my supply. I then went out and about for the day. I returned just shortly after my kids came home from school. I went upstairs to remove my shoes and get my slippers. One step over the threshold and I noticed it. Something was wrong. Someone had been in my room. Something was missing. I just knew. I was very creeped out. I got my slippers from THAT side of the bed, the same side as the night stand. HOLY MOLY!!!! MY DISH OF CHOCOLATES WAS EMPTY!!!
Someone WAS in my room, but who?? I ran to the jewelry box and everything was there.
All of my fine jewelry and favorite costume pieces were all in place. Heck, the diamond heart necklace I had worn the day before was still out on my dresser. Hmmmm.
Someone was reeeeally messing with me. How rude. Everything, all of my tchatchkies were in place on the nightstand untouched. The dust, even the dust was unmarked! Just the chocolate was gone.

I did what any other level headed, understanding mother would do."CHIL----DREEENNNNNN!!!! FRONT AND CENTER! NOW!!!"
My children came running in a panic to see what was wrong. I could barely catch my breath. I couldn't believe one of them would have the audacity to...geeze...I even invite them in for one on one time in my room and SHARE my chocolate. How could they???
So as ever gently as I could muster, I asked in the sweetest tone, "AllllRIGHT!!!! WHICH ONE OF YOU HAD YOUR GRUBBY LITTLE.....ahem....I mean....Darlings? Have you any idea as to the whereabouts of mother's supply of chocolate? It seems to have gone missing. Any ideas? I'll know if you're lying."
Trouble is I also know when they are not lying. They weren't. They knew nothing about it. The chocolate was gone. Then it occurred to me.....I asked God for help with...my...

REALLY GOD!?!?! IT WAS YOU???? REALLY?????

Couldn't have been the dog. Everything else was untouched. Mookie is just not that graceful. Plus, wouldn't we have at least seen the wrappers on the floor? Something?

I didn't really have time to give it much more thought. We had the Y, homework, dinner and scouts to get through.
Got into bed that night. HMPH! No chocolate. Tossed and flailed and turned till I fell asleep.

The next day I woke up and did my usual morning dance with Mookie. You know, the one where he tries to trip me down the hall way and make me fall down the stairs. This time he did the trip thing and in my usual way I ever so politely asked him if he would mind stepping to one side, one .... side, one .... SIDE?? What the hell is that, there on that side?? Oh yuck! I almost stepped in it. UGH! Slimy gross EWWW...smelly...and over there too....and KEEE---RIPES! DOWNSTAIRS TOO?
Yes. Piles of...we'll say "recycled" chocolate. Complete with shiny wrappers.

It was the dog. How he did that, I'll never know. He left no trace whatsoever. I am so careful about closing my bedroom door. But now, not only did I not have any chocolate but the floors became the priority, didn't they?

Please hear me.
God listens. God responds.
Could this all have been a coincidence?
Be so careful of what you ask for.
He delivers.
He loves us so.

ps...to all of you dog lovers out there, ti's a complete fallacy that dogs are killed by chocolate. It's more likely that they are killed by their owners after eating the chocolate! Just kidding. Mookie is just fine. Tail waggin', goofiest, pain in the.....geeze, I love that dog. That there is his baby picture. He's two now.

Spread the Happy

"In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the RIGHT THING, the next best thing is the WRONG THING, and the worst thing you can do is NOTHING."-T. Roosevelt

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals."

"Go under, go over or go around but never give up"-Jim Meyer

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."- Thomas Edison

"Your attitude determines your altitude."

"Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow."

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying: I will try again tomorrow."

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"If you think you can or you can't, you're right!"- Henry Ford

"People to weak to follow their own dreams will try to find a way to discourage yours."

"100% of the shots I don't take don't go in."- Wayne Gretzky

THIS IS EASY.
I AM AWESOME.
I HAVE UNLIMITED ENERGY.
I LIKE MYSELF I LOVE MY WORK.
I AM CONFIDENT.
I AM RESPONSIBLE.
I AM A GREAT TEST TAKER.
I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY.
I KNOW ONLY THE CORRECT ANSWERS.
I PASSED MY TEST.

These are just some of the notes from a Securities class I took to pass my Series 6 exam. They make me feel so good! The instructor believed in the power of raising dopamine levels. We'd cram for 90-120 minutes and then get up and dance to some really loud, pumping music for 10-15 minutes. He'd have us alternate stocks, bonds, portfolios, beta, blahblah, with a full on party. This was the work of a gentleman whose funeral service I'll be attending tomorrow.

It touches so close to my heart because he embodied that same crazy "can do" attitude of my daughter Cait. His positive attitude, like hers, made him a ray of light to all who knew him. This is a guy who, while being treated at Memorial Sloan Kettering would bring piles of red roses with him and hand them to patients, staff, and I am sure anyone else he encountered. Many thought he was an employee. He, himself was a patient. Caiti was inspired by him, having only met him once and adopted her own version while we were in AZ. She instead chose Gerbera Daisies and we handed them out at her treatment center, the bagel place, the grocery store, the post office, in parking lots...where ever we happened to be. She called it, "spreading the happy"

Their similarities in mental toughness inspire me. Caiti barely gave a nod to her disease. She was sky diving six weeks before her death. She was way too busy living every moment that was given her. The last conversation I had with my securities teacher he told me of a surgery he needed to have to repair a perforated esophagus. This he referred to as merely a nuisance. At diagnosis he was reported to have barely even flinched. Caiti too. She wanted to know if she could skip all the big chemo and go straight to experimental therapies that might help someone else have an easier time in the future.

This is how it is with people like Cait and my teacher. They teach by example. They lead just by living. They inspire with their attitudes. Always smiling. Always tough. Always reaching out for others. "Spreading the happy"

I believe their message to be one of the most important of this life time.
The monkeys of this universe will continue and continue and continue to hurl shit our way. *sorry, no better way to say it*
It is then that we have a choice to make about our reality in relation to the shit.
We can get filthy, learn to dodge it, and learn to let it roll off.
We can get bitter or get better.
We can say why me or why not me?
It all comes back to a matter of perspective.
Wallow in it or rise above it.

Step the heck on out and scrape that stuff off your shoes!! There's so much good livin' to be done!

Thank you, Cait.
Thank you, Mark. (give her a high five for me, will ya?)
The two of you are teachers, mentors, and sources of inspiration for many.

I will keep your spirits alive in examining my perspective, reaching out to others, and continuing to spread your happy where ever I go.

You'll Never Know...

...if you never try.

Two years ago on this very date I was moving into the sweetest little apartment in Scottsdale, AZ with my two oldest daughters. I loved every inch of those 700 sq feet.
The landscape was tidy. The inside was clean and comfortable. The back yard was the coolest complete with a patio that was covered by a pergola and surrounded by long, flowy, white linen panels. I loved sitting out there. I called home from there. I journaled out there. I thought, prayed and meditated out there. Sometimes I cried out there. Mostly, I felt; I knew, really knew I belonged there. At that time I was deeply connected to that place. The land, the air, the mountains, the cactus, the indigenous wildlife all welcomed me.

From the moment a business associate shared his thoughts with me, I knew what was to be done. In fact, I think that day was the first time I was ever even introduced to him. This man asked me, "How would you like to never know if it will work or not because you didn't even try? How well will you be able to live with that?" Well HOLY CRAP. In my minds eye I remember that moment so vividly. We were in a room with about 498 other people. The room went dark. The room went silent. All I could see were his eyes and all I could hear was his voice. The words sliced through every trace element of doubt I could possibly have had. This was 36 days before I found myself in the Valley of the Sun.

In those 36 days we made all of the preparations. We were going to seek alternative treatments for my daughter who had cancer. These treatments were not covered by insurance. We didn't care. We raised money. Communities came together for Cait's benefit. Flights were donated. It was a truly amazing time. Every single thing we could possibly have needed was provided. Friends volunteered to care for our two younger children and Mookie. He was just 5 months old at the time! People sent food. How very blessed we are to have had this tremendous support. Gratitude doesn't even begin to touch what we felt. It's like teams and teams and TEAMS of angels came to be at our sides to guide, provide, and protect. There were even teams of angels placed to greet us and guide us in Arizona. Amazing.

Here's the thing. People said we were crazy. They told us not to go. They said it wouldn't work. They talked about statistics. Treatment was $100,000.00. Yes. One hundred THOUSAND dollars. We had living expenses on top of that. It seemed impossible. We didn't listen. We focused on the goal. The goal was simply to make the very best decisions for Caiti given all the options. We never backed down. We were so incredibly driven. We made some mistakes but continued to get up and get up and get up. We raised every cent.

We were able to fly friends out for Caiti. We were able to see much of Arizona. We visited beautiful red rocks of Sedona, hidden away lakes in Apache Junction, and the Grand Canyon. We were given many gifts. I personally got the most amazing opportunity to really bond with my teenage daughters. I would not trade this experience for the world. I learned so much and was given much.

Coming around to my point, we had a dream. We didn't back down. We tuned out naysayers. There was no room for cynicism or doubt. Without question we forged ahead. At times I was scared out of my head, but did it anyway. We aligned with the Divine and did what had to be done. The outcome is what the outcome is. We tried. We enjoyed some very rich, rewarding, and unique experiences because of it. That, I can live with.

What in life is not worth this amount of risk? You want to start that business? You want to write that book? Fall in love? Go your own way? Build that bed and breakfast? Open that shop? Lose that weight? Buy that house? Train for that marathon? Find a way to pay off that debt? Change a bad habit? Pick up that hobby? Start a savings program? Mend a broken relationship? Take that course? Join that gym or club? Have that adventure? Climb that mountain? Anything!
What ever it is, "How would you like to never know if it will work or not because you didn't even try? How well will you be able to live with that?"

Trust me. Believe me when I tell you. The angels are poised and ready to assist. You must believe in you and your dreams as much as they do. Then take every action necessary.