OMG!

Wow....been a while...

Sold a house, worked on a book, studied for an exam, co facilitated a bereavement group, financially consulted the masses (ok...not really the maaaasses...), had my heart broke, had a vaca, had some house guests, sent a boy off to camp, did some self discovery through it all, healed some bits of my heart, cleaned my office, picked up my MUCH missed horn, threw a load of wash, and here I am...

Sorry for the delay but now that we're caught up, I want to talk a little bit about God.
Yea.
God.
He's been on my mind in such a big way lately.

I'm sure I'll only be able to scratch the scratch of the scratch of the surface here, but worth the explore, none the less.
I used to think God was the guy with the robes and the long white beard who was gonna get me if I didn't do x, y, or z. X being my CCD homework. Y would be some crazy thing like picking up my socks when I was six. Sin to have a messy room you know. Yea, yea. I know. It does make good sense to keep things orderly. I think more clearly. I'm more focused and productive. I get it. It was never my strong suit, the organization. Whoopy doo! I am great at other stuff. I can bake circles around Betty Crocker. (and make a huge mess) I love to paint a room (and leave the brush out for a week) Gardening is such a delight. I love to plant, pick weeds and prune from morning till night. (don't ask me where my tools are from last time)
A bit exaggerated, perhaps, but my point is that I don't really think that God thinks any less of me because of any of these things. In fact, I think He may find me quite delightful in my messy creative endeavors. Even when that includes making a royal mess of my interpersonal relationships.
I questioned what I was being told to believe.

Which brings me to the bible....

I've read it. I believe a lot of it. I do believe that it is the inspired word of God. I believe that any creative expression, whether it's music, art, dance, writing (or baking!) comes from Spirit. So, yes. Inspired.
What I do not believe is that the time of its writing is the last time God had anything to say. Nor do I believe every single word of it's multiple translations to be anything close to what He truly meant to convey. There are some very well schooled believers who would have you believe that God is downright codependent according to "His Word". These same would be so bold as to reduce God to a mere 7 or 800 some odd pages. Really? This God you speak of only had 800 pages to work with? After that the rest is what, heresy??? Does He really demand worship, praise and glorifying in one particular way or another? I don't think so.

As you can see, I began to question.
I discovered the work of Neal Donald Walsh. It didn't confuse me. It confirmed what I already knew in my gut to be true. God's bigger than that book. AND He's got a whole lot more to say. AND He speaks in every way. He speaks in that soft voice in the back of your mind; the quietest whispers of your heart. (if I could just shut up long enough...)It's very hard to explain. You'll know when you know it's Him. Oh, you'll know. As it was written in the Nag Hammadi (go google that, if you are so inclined) it is about the knowing. Every answer you've ever searched for is already known to you. That's good news, no? It's just a matter of getting quiet enough to find it. I read/discovered that a little while after reading Conversations With God.
So now I had a broader view and a new question. The Nag Hammadi was written by the apostles John, Thomas, Peter and Paul. It never made it into the bible though it's some really good stuff written by the very men who walked with Jesus. My question is this; who got to say what books made the cut into the bible and more importantly, why? To suit whose agenda? Man's agenda of a self created religion of fear? It certainly wasn't excluded in order to promote God's agenda of all inclusive, unconditional, always room for a DO OVER love.
Now I was in the, "YEA, SAYS WHO?" phase of what I believed and to a large extent I still am. I am one who questions everything. Constantly. Heck, even Buddha said not to believe everything we read and hear unless it resonates with our own personal truths. That was to include all that he had to say as well.
Keep questioning. That's how we'll grow.

Then, I happened upon the theory of quantum physics and the time space continuum. Sheesh....even I don't have enough words. Go google. I'll wait right here.
In a nutshell, the time space continuum can be elementarily explained as all that has ever happened and all that will ever happen is happening right now in this very moment. This, my friends,THIS is where God is. God is in the everything.

PAUSE

With me?

Everything is connected. All of it. All of us. We are of the same Spirit. Or, I could say energy. We are of the same energy, if that makes you more comfortable. The same energy that's moving me to write this is moving you to read it. How 'bout them apples? The same energy which causes me to breathe, causes the apple tree to grow. How 'bout THEM apples???

This belief of mine was confirmed at the passing of my daughter. I know that I know she has returned to Spirit. (or the energy from whence she came). I know that I know that I am of that same Spirit. Therefore, I know that I know we are not truly separate. Not any one of us. Not Catholic, Muslim, Buddhist, Jew, Hindi, Protestant or Fundamentalists. We are not separate. To call one wrong is to call all wrong.
It is not possible to have it both ways. There is no reason for any extremism in any arena. No reason to be all black or all white, all left or all right.

Oh yea, this is about God, not religion...
Huge is too small.
Gigantic, no.
Enormous, not quite.
Brobdingnagian....ok, ok, now I'm in the thesaurus....
God...Energy....Spirit....

GOD!

All encompassing. All expressive. All different. All the same. All knowing. All powerful. All weak. All strong. All there is.

All there is not.

I take great comfort in that.

God Bless us all.

HELP!!

Oh man.
May 21st.
How the heck did that happen? Seems like it was just May 8th and I was writing poems about my kids and being a mother.

Truth is, I've been crazy busy the last few weeks.
So busy I can't keep up with laundry.
So busy I can't keep up with my usual spring gardening.
Mopping? HA! That's a laugh.
I've even bailed on a yoga class or two.
It seems the more there is to do, the more I feel the need to do it.
By myself.
Anyone?

Asking for help seems to me to be the hardest thing in the world.
I am not talking about help like coaching or therapy sort of help.
We'll leave that to the professionals.
I am talking about the everyday tasks that must be managed or chaos will surely ensue.
This was brought to my attention so blatantly this week.
I am in a position of middle management type authority, have a team of 10 report to me and have 2 assistants. I've been unofficially in this position for 2 weeks. Officially, for 2 days. On day one of my official appointment, I was creeping dangerously close to 50 minutes and 4 crew members behind in my daily tasks. Yipe!
What could I do??
It was suggested to me by a member of the crew to use my resources. Delegate.
In other words, ask for help!
I'm really bad at it. Up till now, I've never been any good at it. The flash back of examples are still hittin' me. How many good things I've done could have been GREAT if only I'd have asked for help.
Don't get me wrong. This is not meant to be self depreciating at all. I've done a number of some very good things. I just was never really comfortable asking for help.

Call it an ego thing. Who wants to be seen as weak or incompetent? My dad sure did instill independence. But certainly in the context of a group, the leader must always bear in mind the good of the whole. In so doing, I listened.
It was really hard! But the results....

Today instead of being so far behind, we (yes WE, my assistants and I) were ahead of ourselves and the load felt light. The crew was happy because we got to address all concerns. The office personnel were happy because today's work was submitted within the prescribed time frame.
No one was put out or burdened. They were happy to get the job done!
Me?
I don't feel weak, incompetent or even dependent at all. I feel confident that the work of this particular crew will be great because we work as a team. I feel secure knowing there are people I can rely on. Together the burden is light.

How many things in my life would be that much easier if only I'd ask for help?
How many things in your life would be that much easier if only you'd ask for help?

HALLELUJAH AND BLESSED BE!

I picked you.
You picked me.
Long before this history.

We knew our journey would be tough.
Up to the last breath we take.
Holding hands.
Forgiving mistakes.

Love remains while spirit floats free.
I thank God
That
I picked you and
You picked me.

I can now let go.
I can be so free.
Forgiving any and all perceived wrong
Or melody in discord with my own song.

So
HALLELUJAH
and
BLESSED BE!!
I picked you and you picked me.

The love remains.
The love surrounds.
There's more than enough to go around.

Do you remember where we got it from?
You may have been two or younger than one.

Our days just filled with joyful delight.
We laugh and we love from morning till night.

Walks to the park
Or glued to the floor,
We're superheros
On our trips to the store.

Eternities on the beach,
The castles we build.
Jumping waves with you
Leaves my heart filled.

Cupcakes in the classroom
On your special day.
It's my honor to celebrate you.
I do it everyday.
(REALLY!)

Where ever it came from,
This much I know.
Love never ends.
It continues to grow.

So my dear children,
My heavenly angel and my dear earthly three,
We've many more trails to hike and mountains to see.
What ever we've yet to face,
What ever it be,
I am humbled and honored
(and so very very grateful)
that
I picked you
and
You picked me.

Happiness Starts at the Stuffmart...

Ok.
It's a problem.
Not just my problem; it's a big problem.
I haven't felt safe enough to say it until...

Until....

They went and made a FaceBook page about it.
Now I feel safe enough to talk about it.

I TOO went to Target for shampoo and spent a hundred fifty dollars!!!!

What is it with this spending, buying, consuming, aquiring, stashing, hording, amassing----don't make me get the thesaurus----purchasing, bargain hunting??? Well we'll save money if we buy that! Right???
Sorry to say, friends, NOOOO!!!
We'll save money if we DON'T buy that!

Seriously, do I have to wait till Bath and Body Works January/June sale so I can stock pile hand soap and shower gel? Really? I need a different fragrance for each season? REALLY?
How about lipstick? Come on, fess up girls. Do I really need another one only a shade and a half from the 73 I already own? Oh! This one has plumperrrrr....yea, we need the plumperrrrr....
Candles, we need candles. Every flavor. Change with the seasons too. Not.
Socks 'cause they're on sale? Books? I must have ten books on the same concepts by ten different authors. Well now I need a smart looking tote bag for these books, right? How about a new handbag because, well, I don't have THAT color yet? Sundress cause it was cheap? Flip flops to match? Earrings too? Sun glasses? I know! Let's go to the OUTLETS!
GEEZE!

I realized, this week, that I truly have a problem. I was picking up a family member from the hospital after they were done with testing. (No worries, all is well.)
The hospital! You'd think I'd be safe there, right? As it turns out, on this particular day, the gift shop was having a close out sale to move inventory.
Okay, fair enough, I didn't have to go into the gift shop. Exactly. I didn't even have to go in! They had these crazy tables all over the lobby! It was like a flea market. So of COURSE I had to look. Come on! He was in recovery for an hour and a half! What's a girl to do??
I found a sweet tea scented candle. Twenty bucks. Whew. Put that down. Even at half price I don't need a lavender candle for ten. They had the same fragrance a size or two smaller. Six dollars. Half price. That makes three. I also had my youngest with me who wanted to buy a present for the person we were there to pick up.
Okay. A mug with a sweet saying. She's so thoughtful. Five bucks.
So my total purchase was eight dollars.
She was so sorry ma'am. They only took a debit card on purchases of $10 or more.
This was my moment. I could A)put the crap down and walk. or B)find another small item to make the $10 minimum or C)there's an ATM right over there ma'am where you can get some cash.
Yea. I went to the ATM. Took out the cash and made the purchase.

What void are we trying to fill?
What are we avoiding looking at and instead aquiring all this stuff to look at?
What anxieties will truly be calmed by more stuff?
Out of curiosity, is this unique to American culture?
Anyone?

This I know.
I lack nothing.
Serenity and peace are but one breath away.
My life is more abundant without this distracting stuff. Instead of time spent aquiring, then taking care of, then working to make more money to aquire more, how about a little simple abundance.
How about abundance of time spent with loved ones?
How about abundance of time spent with your Self?
How about abundance of natural beauty in the world around you to enjoy?
How about abundance of peace in letting go of the need to have more?
I lack nothing.
Neither do you.
Let's just be. We are after all human beings. We are not human doings nor are we human havings.

A few months back I blogged on frugality. While I am still pretty good at most concepts stated, I've not yet conquered this frivilous spending. Cutting corners at the grocery store does not justify spending the savings on junk I don't need!

I declare a DO OVER!
For the next sixty days I commit (uh oh...publicly)to a spending freeze. If the item is not an essential neccessity it's not going in the cart. Period.
I will use every drop of everything I already have before replacing it.
I'll maybe even find new ways to use old stuff. It's just enough already.


Who's in?

Waving the White Flag.....

Surrender...

Hmmmm....

Surrender...

Are we waiving a white flag? Are we giving in? Did we some how create a win/lose situation? Are we still able to stand our ground?

Or, does it provide that ever elusive serenity that I often jump through hoops to experience?

I find that there are so many factors in any given situation that are beyond my control. That being the case, 80% of any of my successes come from just showing up.
There are many things I am responsible for but showing up, just showing up is more than half the battle.

I was in a discussion about a pretty heavy topic with someone close to me recently.
This was one of those decision making type discussions. I did enter in with my preferred outcome in mind, as I often do. This time though, I truly wanted the decision to be mutually reached and fully agreed upon. Not asking for "my way" here.
That there was Step 1 for me. Not asking for my way. Accepting the things I cannot change, as it were.
Into the conversation I was not hearing what I wanted to or even what I thought I would. So here's what I did.

I sat back.
I took some deep calming breaths.

I shut my mouth.
(It does a world of good to shut one's mouth. Two ears, one mouth, you do the math.)

Then I listened.
I listened with my ears, my heart, and my higher self.
I gained a good amount of respect for the person I was talking with and their position. Even better, I realized that it did not change what I think, how I feel, or disturb my peace of mind. The fact that we did not even come to a concrete decision leaves me undisturbed as well. There are some issues in the way of making this decision. But they are not mine.

They are not mine.

How wonderfully freeing it is to understand that.
They are not mine.
I do not have to work hard to convince this other person about anything.
I do not have to fix them.
I do not have to look after them.
I do not have to seek solutions for them.

This is where it gets simple. *Note that simple and easy are not the same!
Sometimes the answer is no answer.
Sometimes the outcome will play out to be a situation or scenario better than what I could conceive of. Sometimes it will be what I didn't even know I wanted.

That is the type of surrender I'm talking about here. Not conceding to another's point of view or agenda....

...just sittin' back and bending with the flow of life.

Take a deep breath.
Let life in.

Pajama Party

Wow! What an exciting and happy week!
The kids are off of school, relaxed, and having fun.
I am back to work...no, really, the doing this do over at work, work.
The company I work for, Primerica, (and this IS a plug) is undergoing a DO OVER
of their/our own! A former subsidiary of Citi, we'll be ringin' that bell on Wall Street at the close of business on April 1st and standing on our own. WOOT! This is 30+ years in the making and there's never been a better time to get involved! (ask me how!)

I've got a really good one for you today.
Get ready for a good laugh.
About three weeks ago I hired a psychologist who happens to specialize in anger management. Oh, heck yea. Don't let my sunny disposition fool you. Anger. Plenty. Mmm Hmm.
This guy reminds me a whole lot of Jack Nicholson so it is kind of funny. He is a bit slighter in build but has that raspy Jack voice. He's also a little abrasive, but in a charming way. He keeps it real. No excuses. Either you are a thing or you are not. There is no try. These philosophies really appeal to me. He also offers a loosely (very loosely) structured program of getting one foot back in front of the other. It's not just yammering on. He does put some focus on result. I have used him in the past for other situations so I thought I'd hire him again. To manage my anger.
My first appointment was double booked by his secretary. I thought that was rather ironic. I walk into the office only to be told I didn't have an appointment that day. I knew I did. I pulled out my planner. There it was in black and well, my planner pages are blue. I was mad but wasn't going to say so as the secretary was apologizing her fool bloody head off. Really, it was almost to the point of foolish!
And then THAT was making me mad. It was almost as if it were a test to see how I'd react. Maybe one of those nutty things that nutty docs do for kicks instead of a boring questionaire assessment. I kept my cool as we rescheduled the appointment. "oh don't you worry....everything happens for a reason...its okaaaayyy...." Meanwhile she's still apologizing like she killed my dog...

I got a new appointment and mumbled to myself all the way to the car. I was not amused. In retrospect, I am sure it might have appeared amusing to see a woman walking out of the shrink's office mumbling to herself. There's testimonial for ya!

So we had 3 appointments and things were going well. I am making progress. Feeling great about nearly everything. I've gotten 7 pounds in front of my weight issue! (thank you Zumba!) I am back at work and actually productive! The respectful rapport and understanding has returned between me and the kids. Life is good. Today's appointment confirmed all of that for me.

Today I went to my appointment, knocked on the door and let myself in as usual. Out comes Dr. Makinmemad in his paJAMaaaaas!!!! Did I mention the office is at his house? He says to me, "What're you doin' here? I don't open till 11" I said, "Well Dr. Crazypants I have a 10:00 appointment." ..."No you don't, that's impossible. I gotta go to the bank. I gotta confirm reservations. I gotta this that and 32 other things to do and I'm all embarrassed standing here in my pajamas."

Now I'm thinkin' okaaaaaay...where's the camera?? This cannot be for real. I just chuckled a little bit and told him not to be embarrassed about his flannels. (giggle)
They were rather stylish blue and green plaid worn with a nautica sweatshirt.
And then I reminded him that HE made the appointment only last Thursday. It's Tuesday today. Must've been a long weekend. He informed me that that was impossible because he doesn't open until 11. He dismissed me and asked me to call this afternoon to reschedule.

ummmmm......


yea........

about that.....

Today I learned that I am doing really, really well. The professional I hired to help me cannot get out of his jammies long enough to look in the appointment book and I was worried about being 90 seconds late. I do find it extremely ironic and rather amusing.
But here's the best news of all.
That guy just saved me 50 bucks a week.
Closer and closer to that 1.46 Million.

Everything does happen for a reason. The messages are usually pretty clear. I did not need that guy. Perhaps, he may benefit from as much as reading my blog. Sounds like SOMEbody could use a DO OVER...find some quiet head space...something!

Sometimes the messages aren't so clear.
Then you just have to be patient and wait for it.
TRUTH is always revealed.

;)
LOL

Whose Problem It Anyway?

I am soooo calling a Do Over....
Sorry for the gap in my writing but the poop did hit the fan in the last few weeks and my head was in a very dark and stinky place (if you catch my drift...)
Also I gave up the facebook for lent which inadvertently led to the giving up of much more of my computer time in favor of more prayer, meditation, reading etc.

Anyway, what I want to share today is something so personal but well worth putting out there. When it was first said to me I was totally offended (that ol' chestnut!)but now am able to see the validity and even apply it to my current situation.

When I was in the throws of the final treatments for my daughter in Arizona I constantly sought the wisdom of a very spiritual man. His name is Pastor Fred. My kids call him P Freddy. He leads the good people of Hope Community Church in Scottsdale Arizona. If you ever have the chance, believe me, it is an hour well spent. For me, anyway, God delivers a personal message right to me through this man every single time. Like it or not. The easy ones and the turn around and take a good hard look at your own damn self kind. Good stuff.

One day, near the end of Cait's life I was totally F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G O-U-T. I went to him for some comfort and guidance. It went a little something like this...

Me: OMG OMG OMG What am I gonna do? How am I going to handle this? I am all alone! I feel so lost! I'm outta my head! What am I gonna do?? I can't get her to do this that or the other! I can't find the cure! I can't understand! I don't get the message here! I'm so confused! I, I, I, I, I!!!! EEEK!! Help me Help me Help MEEE!!!

P Freddy: What is the absolute worst case scenario here?

Me: She'll die!! What'll I do then? (nearly hyperventilating by now even though I brought us both a Tazo Calm tea....iced of course....this was the desert!)

P Freddy: So? She dies? So?

Me: SoooOOOOOoooooo???? So? Are you kidding me??? SO?????

P Freddy: Yes, Michelle. What happens if she dies? What then happens to you?

Me: I, uh, errr, (so much for Toastmasters) ummmmm....i.....still.....live?

P Freddy: Yes ma'am. You go on. You live. What needs to happen here is that you need to separate what is happening to her from what is happening to you. Caiti has cancer, you do not.

Here's where I nearly spit my tea on the ground.

Me: Wha? Cai..? Huh? Really? Her? Not me?

I really did not quite know what to make of that at the time. Really. There I was in Ari - freaking - zona and this guy was telling me that this was not happening to me. The rest of my family in NJ. So many, TOO many things WAAAAAY beyond my control.

Hmmmmm.....offended.....at first.

But, my friends, therein lies the lesson.
I learned that there is just way the heck too much beyond my control that I must let it go. Cancer was happening to Cait and not to me. Her dad was going through some stuff that I was not equipped to understand or help him with. At this particular time my kids were all back in NJ and I had no control over what was going on there either.

Currently, my teenagers (God bless them, please!!) are making some really goofy choices. To the best of my knowledge they are experimenting and exploring. Substances and their budding sexuality. Yikes. This all came to a head about 3 weeks ago. I immediately went into my knee jerk BETTER FIND A WAY TO FIX THIS/THEM NOW mode, which just does not work. With the help of some very wise friends and compassionate friends I am able to sit back. I sit back just far enough to check my behavior, offer guidance (sometimes very LOUD guidance) but let them do as they'll do. They do and will also live with the real consequences of their choices.

And....

That is all happening to them and not me.
I have learned to let go, and let God.
What ever this is, I know He's got it.

Just for today, let it go.
Control only what you can.
Your thoughts. Your beliefs. Your behaviors.

Go outside (it is gorgeous on the Jersey Shore today!).
Take a walk. Put it down. Get on your bike. Paint a picture. Do your thing.
Just let it go........
You'll find me on the boards in Asbury ;)