Ask God About It

Hey, what ever happened to the girl who used to write this blog?

Ain't seen her around here in a while. I hear from her from time to time. I've heard she's been very busy putting the Do Over into practice. Some of it surprises even me. She is getting closer to every dream she ever had. God is so good.

God's worked on her heart in ways that I have never imagined possible. She started out this blog very closed. Very guarded. Feeling the need for protection. Not anymore. Now she's bold. She steps out. She goes for it all. I think that's the difference between trusting God and not. You can either talk about your life's aspirations or you can grab hold of it with both hands. It's like that line in the Lord's Prayer.

"Thy will be done"

For a time I know it made her so very angry she could not even recite that prayer for a whole year! Now she doesn't make a move without praying about it first. Like that first date with her intended. Geeze! It was just a date!! She asked him not to call, text or otherwise communicate for a whole day prior to that date so she could listen hard to hear what God had to say about it first. Little did she know...they are just a match made in heaven! In numerology he's a 2 and she's a 7. Once married at the end of this year, they'll both be 2s! They both were born under the master number 33. This is cool stuff. Too much to explain here but the universe is all about the math! Google it if you are so inclined!

So the numbers...she's pretty good with them (and so is he). They've partnered up and created a program of financial soundness that will give all of those who capitalize on the middle income market's lack of financial education a run for their money.
Finally fully licensed, she is poised and ready to right the wrongs of a largely misguided industry. It's that master number 33. She likes to teach so much so that she'll do it for free! Go on with all the financial peace and credit counseling nonsense. No one needs to pay upwards of $1000 to learn this stuff. Look for her lecturing anywhere there are people with and without jobs! Her very favorite would be lecturing women. Girls, we need to be in the KNOW!

When not hurling numbers around, she can be found in the heart of downtown Lakewood teaching a darling choir full of 12 Spanish and one very cute Irish American kid. This came about as a result of her return "home" to her beloved All Saints. (If you've never been, you should. Even if you only go to see the windows. They are stunning! ) Upon her return, of course she spent time asking God, "okay, I'm here. Now what??" As only she would. It's worked out well. These kids have brought such a light to the place.

The book she is working on is very near completion and she is seeking a publisher worthy of the story. This one is too big to just jump with. As with the dream of the bed and breakfast of healing, this is going to require lots of attention to the quiet of God's whisper. She has been seen up and down the Jersey shore poking around all the inns she finds for sale. She knows that she's got to have that clear, concise mental picture of what she wants before asking the universe for help in the manifestation. Faith is unwavering. After all she's been through, I know she has the faith to bring this all to reality. It's amazing to watch.

God has seen her through it all. After consult after consult and piles of money spent on teachers, preachers, healers, and gurus, she has learned. There is only one direction to turn. That is to the heavens. Where ever God is for you. Every answer, inspiration, and detail is waiting. The greatest one given her was the gift of forgiveness. It started with herself. She finally forgave all of the goofy mistakes and zillions of ways she disappointed and let down those she loves. She let go of all of that. Now she sees herself only as God sees her. That is wonderfully made.
Guess what?
So are you.
Ask God about it and take a look.

It's Not About Me

It's kinda funny, as 2010 comes to a close, I am getting nudges to begin setting the tone for 2011.
One of the greatest lessons of this past year has been has been whispered throughout the months but blaring at me for the last few weeks.
I think I get it.
The smallest dash of humility can go such a long way.

Say it with me now.....

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

Wait...

What?

Really?

Life is not about how I feel, what I accomplish, or what I have. Nor is it about what has the potential to make me happy, goals I can achieve, or stuff I can accumulate. Now I can make it about all that but in the end I doubt that'll be a life well lived.
Perhaps it is only about a difference I can make in the life of another. What can I give? How can I serve?

Think about all the people who's lives you touch in just one day. This includes your coffee barista, your gas pumper, your grocer, mailman,your coworkers, your baker, that chick you know who blogs, your kids, your wife, your dog! Can't forget our furry friends! Most of these, but probably not your dog, have been hurt in some way. Or they're very busy sorting out their own deal. Or at the very least they are just trying to get from here to there. I find few who are not projecting their own "stuff" in some way. (self included!)

Now, when that "stuff" is projected you have a couple choices. You can either take the defensive posture...
"Well! I'm not going to take that!"
"Well! They have no right!"
"Well! I cannot believe...!"
"Well! Blah Blah Blah Blah!"
And then you can react with whatever emotion you think you have the right to.
Then we can all sit back and watch the show....

See where that gets you. Get off the merry go round already! I know I'm getting a stomach ache.

Option number two would be to completely disengage.
No reaction.
Crickets.
This allows the other person to sort themselves out all on their own if they choose.
This is also quite awkward.
What's going to happen with all this unsaid mess next time you have to be in their company? And you know you're going to have to....

Ideally the best approach is to bring healing, joy, love, and peace to all you encounter.
How to do that?
I have no idea. I'm just now, at 42, getting the inkling that this all is not about me! What my kids do, what their dad does, siblings, friends, etc, what ever goes on or is said, often has more to do with them and their stuff than me. Let that settle in. It is so freeing.

A good place to start may be compassion and understanding. Try to see the big picture. What is that person's life like? What are they struggling with? Then maybe we can just lend an ear, a shoulder, or a resource when asked for one. One thing I have learned is that people in a situation, be it grieving, divorcing, job hunting, parenting, business building or what ever their "stuff" looks like, do not, I repeat DO NOT wish to be "fixed". So what I am suggesting here is not sorting out what you perceive as someone else's problems. You certainly have enough of your own! Get on that as I get on mine.
Then we can meet each other with peace, compassion, understanding, healing, joy and love.

Yea. That'll be a good start.
Looking forward to growth in this direction in 2011.

Get up offa that couch!!!

Good morning!
I got a good one....
I started training for a 5K.
To RUN a 5k.
Did I mention that I am now 42 and normally the only thing I ever run is my mouth?

The idea came to me in normal Michelle Brown fashion, a big ol' nudge from the great beyond.

A while back one of my readers emailed me and told me that by reading my blog she got inspired to take just one hour each day for herself. She's a busy mom, career girl, all that. So at first she just would shut down and read a magazine or something fluffy but then got to feeling like she should do something more. So she started walking. Then she added a li'l weight training. She lost 20 pounds.
Greeeaaatttt......maybe I should go read my blog.

I filed that information away under "Get to this someday" and went about my business.
About a month or two later I was at my local, very favorite taco eatery ordering up ten delicious tacos (that each come with chips and salsa) to share with my family.
Yes. Ten tacos. They were only 99 cents each for customer appreciation month. Of COURSE I ordered the maximum allowed, what would you do?
So while I waited for my ten tacos (5 soft, 5 crispy; yea, crispy; it means FRIED and DELICIOUS. ) I picked up the complimentary NJ Fitness magazine. This season's theme was running. I thumbed through. I came across this article titled Couch Potato to 5K. How interesting. I am a couch potato who would love to run a 5K. Seems that it's a whole movement. Web site. Facebook presence. Progress tracking tools.
I actually did go home and check it out. Read up. Studied the program. Bought new socks. And then went on with my life. Not running. Walking. Sometimes.

About a month ago I began training someone new in my business. Spending a fair amount of time together, we get to talking about stuff. Remember, I am good at running. My mouth. I told him how I packed on the pounds when Cait got sick and they've yet to budge and he told me about P90X. HA! That was a good one. Go google that. Yea. Not today. That was a few weeks ago. Last week he introduced me to Couch Potato to 5K. Said he's been doing it for some weeks and I ought to try it. Don't know how I know, but I know that I know that when something comes across my path and catches my attention more than once in a relatively short period of time, I am meant to embrace it or at least investigate it.

I knew what to do. I studied this thing at the taco joint. I committed to the program to my young colleague. And now I suppose I've just committed publicly.
Greeeeaaaaaaatttttt.......

Day one was yesterday and if nothing else it makes for some really great blogging fodder. I set out to do this thing because don't you know that whipper snapper texted me at 4:07 pm to remind me that it was my start day. "Don't forget to run"
Hrumph.
I put my sneakers on and the socks I bought for the occasion. I put a scarf on in case it was cold and my trusty pumpkin fest cap with the brim down low so they wouldn't know it was me. At 5:30. So it was dark too.

Now day one consists of only a 20 minute session. 90 seconds walking and 60 second running. How hard could it be?

.........

It was a very long 20 minutes.

.........

The first 60 seconds was no problem. Got it. Did it. Recovered well. Walked 90. The next 60 was not so easy but got through it. Walked 90. Just about recovered and time to go again. Breathing heavy. Walked 90 and Crap, already??! It went like this till ...

STEP
THWAP
Flailing ensued as I tripped over my now untied shoelace. This was at the halfway point. I did not fall, thank God. I just flailed about until I regained my balance
I got to stop for a couple seconds and tie my shoe but then I got right back in. 90/60/90/60....
The route was only a mile out and back. How did THAT take 20 minutes I wondered. It's a route I walk frequently with no problem. Usually takes me 25 to 30 so I guess this is good.
I was a little sore afterward. Nothing crazy but my body felt like I did something. Hello quadriceps!
I also actually broke a sweat. This is good news. Even in Arizona hiking up and down mountains I rarely broke a sweat. I have to say that I was a little nervous that I'd be sore this morning and I am not. I actually feel really great. I slept really well.

Point here after all that running and likely run ons?
The universe sends messages. A couple of times in case you are slow like me. Usually they are messages about things that are good for you.
I am looking forward to my next session but certainly taking it only one session at a time.

Anything on your back burner?

Daughters may out grow your lap....

When I opened facebook this morning, like I do most mornings, I saw that a friend of mine had posted this quote:

A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart.

He wrote this in celebration of his daughter's birthday. The quote struck me right away because on this day two years ago, my first born daughter not only outgrew my lap, she out grew this earth! I did not know what this day would bring in terms of grieving and sadness and even had a pretty good panic attack (or two) over it last week.

About the grieving...I am going to address it here, publicly. We have all been there to some degree. In my humble opinion, it is not well addressed in this society. Resources are few. Socially...yea, well, no. It's not the same as depression. There ain't no pill...
Some days the pain is so great that all I hear is a very loud ringing in my head. If you talk to me it may seem like I really am paying attention but it's likely I will not remember what we said. Some days my feet feel like ten thousand pounds of lead each. It's horrendous. Some days. Some days it makes me so angry and frustrated because I'll never understand it fully as long as I am of this earth. Some days I am so profoundly sad. I miss her in the physical like crazy. Some days. Some days I feel absolutely crazy thinking that I've received some "message" or other from her. Some days I embrace that. Some days I worry so hard about my other children. I worry about the time they lost with me. Some days I think about all her beautiful friends and feel very jealous. There will be no college, wedding, or babies. Some days I am so very disappointed.

At this time last year I was in Arizona. I had a cry up on Bear Wallow. I went to all the places that we used to. I visited with the friends we made. I came home and damn near lost my mind. The Sads had come for what felt like an eternity. I was in my bed or on my couch for three months. I am so very grateful for the people in my life who showed up and stayed. I was not easy to be near. I had a tough time with myself. My doctor said clinical depression. I was in and out of hospitals thinking I had a heart problem. I sure did have a heart problem, but not one detectable with their instruments. My heart was broken.

It was like being at the bottom of a very deep and very dark canyon without a flashlight. It was cold. It was lonely even though people who love me came around.
It was a very scary place to be.

Slowly, one minute, then one hour, then one day at a time I began to emerge from that darkness. I prayed more. My prayer life took a huge turn. The comfort of God's peace was granted. 2010 brought many more gifts and reasons to celebrate as well.
Almost everywhere I turn there is something new to be happy about. It is November now but feels a bit like spring time. All around are reminders to live, be happy, and love.
I have begun to facilitate a bereavement group in my church. This is nothing more than locking arms with those whose pain is similar (no 2 are anywhere near alike so I never pretend to know)and walking through the dark together. I've made new friends and some strides in my business. The children are thriving and pour their joy on me daily. There have been many reasons to celebrate and even some we made up.

The biggest lesson I've learned is that this life is for the living. It is to be embraced and celebrated, for, not one of us physically gets out alive. I am grateful for the knowledge of just how precious and fleeting this life can be. So very happy am I to have been reminded of that today by a quote in celebration of daughters.

So very grateful am I for the time spent, the laughter, the love (that continues), and the lessons.


Rest in peace, my sweet angel. I know the day will come when we are reunited. In the mean time, I'll do what I can to rock my days, grab 'em with two hands and squeeze all the joy out of this life that I can.

Let Us Pray...

I'll pray for you.
You who have no filters and say what's on your mind because you think you have the right.

I'll pray for you.
You who are one way to my face and another behind my back.

I'll pray for you.
You who would bully another with words or actions.

I'll pray for you.
You who pit one against another.

I'll pray for you.
You who cry out for attention to fill the void in your life.

I'll pray for you.
You who carry the burden of sadness and grief.

I'll pray for you.
You who think it's your place to judge another.

I'll pray for you.
You who give wondering only what you'll get.

I'll pray for you.
You who fertilize the seed of anger.

I'll pray for you.
You who didn't get what you needed.

I'll pray for you.
You who haven't yet learned to love.

I'll pray for you.
You who cannot see beyond the surface.

I'll pray for you.
You who think that you're the only one; so unique.

I'll pray for you.
You who think the journey is far to long and difficult.

I'll pray for you.
You who read this and think it's about you.

I'll pray for you.
You who haven't yet found a God to give it to.

I'll pray for you.
and
You pray for me too.

Namaste.

HAPPY!!

So I ran into the guy sporting a soul patch yesterday and there's something a little different about him. His energy is lighter. He seems a little happier. Good for you, mister!!
He says he bought a gift for me and in true Soulpatch-guy fashion he thought better of it and was going to keep it for himself. Hmph. I snatched it right from him. Yes, yes, it IS the thought that counts, but as my dearest friend would say, howevahhh...

The gift was a book. And not and audio book either! Woo-Hoo Soulpatch-guy! The book is written by Alex A. Lluch and Dr. Helen Eckmann and is titled Simple Principles To Enjoy Life and Be HAPPY. (I knew there was something different about him!) Yea, HAPPY. Not Happy. Or happy. But HAPPY. There's also a little emblem thingy in the top right corner that says "All you need to know". Hmmmmm.
All I need to know about the HAPPY, delivered by Soulpatch-guy? Curiosity got the best of me. With the book in my hand, I quickly turned on my heel, thanked him for the book and for thinking of me, and set off to read this HAPPY manual.

Much to my surprise every single thing that I need to know about being HAPPY is contained inside of these 272 pages! Hmph!
Eat well!
Get enough rest!
Move it!
Meditate!
Organize your environment! (this includes your schedule, I think)
Forgive yourself and others!
Focus on solutions, not problems!
Release the need to be correct!
Donate! Time, Talent, and Treasure!
Cry when you need to!
Don't keep score!
Be aware that you are what you think!
Soooo....
Love the person in the mirror!
Don't compare yourself to others!
And love this...
If you are unhappy about something, do something about it!
This is a great reminder that you are in charge of your own HAPPY! I am in charge of my own HAPPY. That is great news. That means we can be as HAPPY as we decide to be!

Although the book mentions nothing about egg shakers or the sacred chocolate supply, still it was spot on.
So as we enter the 4th quarter of the DO OVER called last January, what are you doing to get a hold of your HAPPY?
I still have a lot of work to do. I still tend to get derailed easily in many areas. Time to get back to the business of this DO OVER.
A good start will be some gratitude.
THANK YOU SOULPATCH-GUY!

Now I think I'll have a walk along the Manasquan Reservoir.

Say It Loud, Say It Clear.

Do you have a thought?
Do you have an opinion?
Are you one who boldly shares your thoughts and opinions or do you temper them because someone might be offended? Have you gone (hack cough ahem) PC like the majority? Or do you express what ever is inspired from within?

I know this guy, yea, "I have this friend" who's all the time stirring up some controversy or other. He posts stuff on face book about politics, religion, spirituality, and things of this nature that most of us are hesitant to engage over.
I applaud his bravery. I admire his audacity and ability to spark intelligent debate.
He is rather intelligent and very respectful in his postings. He welcomes the opposing viewpoint without any contempt.

Even though we often disagree, (dear friend, there IS a God, She DOES adore you and I do lean a bit further to the right of center than you)his posts and musings often cause me to think, rethink, and examine my own convictions. Is this such a bad thing? Some don't see it that way. They get very upset, even a bit huffy once the nerve has been struck.

My question here is, why does it need to be offensive when someone has thoughts and belief systems differing from our own? Once my own life experience coupled with my own research has formed in me a thought process, moral compass etc. someone else's differing opinion can only do one thing.
That is to cause me to compare and examine my own. This will yield one of two results. I will either acquiesce to a new thought resulting in my own growth and further development or my convictions will be affirmed.
Sounds like a win win to me.

When the nerve gets struck, that is always, I mean inVARiably, my cue to examine what the heck is going on. When something resonates strongly for positive or negative, I need to check it out. I don't need (though sometimes I do) to get huffy or offended about it.

There's really no right or wrong here. There is only universal truth. That my friends, is so large, so vast, and so infinitesimal all at the same time that in our human condition we each only see pieces of it at a time. Indeed it's like three blind men looking at an elephant. One feels ears, one feels a trunk, the other a tail. All are correct. None are wrong. They are just seeing pieces of the whole.

So, go ahead. Tell me what's on your mind. Don't go vanilla. Sing your song out loud like the cardinals do from the top of the trees. Don't worry that I may not agree, but don't mind either. It's just that I may have not made my way around to that part of the elephant yet.

On Letting Go....

Well this just stinks out loud.
But if I'm going to have a proper DO OVER, I've got to get in front of this thing once and for all.

It's all about the letting go. Apparently it's time to learn the lesson because there is yet another opportunity for me to do so presently.
So let go, I shall.
And being the self appointed Empress of All Optimism, I will also find the good in this situation by the end of this blog.

If you have children, I think it will be easy to relate. The letting go is so very difficult. Sure they can GO. Brian went to camp, Jacki to Kentucky, Maggi will go to Intermediate School in two short weeks. That's not really the going that I mean.

They get into situations. They make sketchy decisions. They sometimes get mixed up with the wrong friends. Sometimes they get mistreated. That's the part that this Momma has the most trouble with. (they don't call me Smother Bear for nothing!)

Who's with me here? If any of you know the formula for stepping in times letting go equaling the square root of a very balanced, confident young adult, minus all the drama please tell me now! The first one to crack this could really help the masses!

One of my children got mistreated by an adult. No, it's nothing too serious. But it is certainly taking all of my might not to march right up to this person and tell him what's on my mind. Except for one thing. I was asked not too with a pretty please. Okay. A public blog will do just fine instead.

My question is, where exactly is that line?
The real question is, when does Momma need to step in and really help her child as opposed to step in and satisfy her own need to create the illusion of control?
I am not the mother who will fight with teachers for 2 points higher on a test so my kid gets the A. I am not the mom who will come banging your door down if our kids fight. I am not even the mom who will come to you if our kids get into trouble together. I won't do their homework. I'm not even the mom who will clean their rooms anymore.

I am the mom who will allow my kids to take responsibility for their study habits. I am also the mom who will ask my kid what his part in the fight was with your kid. I will hold my kid accountable when he or she gets in trouble with your kid. I will allow my kid to find their own stinkin' socks!

But now my kid has a job and her boss is a jerk. My child (who will only be a "child" for another 2 and a half months!)was mistreated by an adult. Here's the moment for Jacki to really shine. I am confident that she will.
I am confident that she'll find an even better job. She will make her way. She's brilliant and beautiful. She's got piles of common sense and rises to the challenge.
She will handle this. She will learn and grow to even more brilliance.

Me? I suppose I'll just sit back and watch. I'll be here with a shoulder and an ear. I'll catch the tears if need be. I'll wait till she comes to me with it.

This is my point. Sitting back is so NOT what I want to do! I want to walk in that place and throttle that guy. I want to shout at the other kid's mother that my kid got into trouble with. I want to correct the kid who fought with my kid.
ET CETERA!!!

But I won't. It's a new day.
It's a great day for a DO OVER.
Today I will take a really long walk in the park, maybe even with weights in each hand. That ought to expel all of this gnarly energy. Then I will come home and do an inner peace meditation.

THEN I will be grateful that life provides not only opportunities for my children to grow, but for my growth too.

(and I got the broccoli rabe secret already anyway!)

Ode To My Boy

My son will come home tomorrow
He's been away all summer so
I borrowed
His Ipod touch

Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
He'll clear away the garbage
and get the lawn mowed
Before lunch

And then we'll go out and play
All day
At the park or beach
We can take a big hike
Ride a bike
Or play balllllll
OOOHHHHHH

My son will come home
Tomorrow
So his sisters better put back what
THEY borrowed
Before he sees...

He's a really great guy
He's mature
and fu-unny
We really miss him a lot
We just gotta get
through with todaaaaayyyyoooooOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH

(BIG BIG FINISH)
MY SON WILL COME HOME
TOMORROW
SO I GOTTA HANG ON TILL
TOMORROW....
COME WHAT MAY!!!!!
TOOOOO MORROW
TOMORROW
OH BRIAN I LOVE YOU
I'LL SEE YOU IN ONE MORE DAY!

OMG!

Wow....been a while...

Sold a house, worked on a book, studied for an exam, co facilitated a bereavement group, financially consulted the masses (ok...not really the maaaasses...), had my heart broke, had a vaca, had some house guests, sent a boy off to camp, did some self discovery through it all, healed some bits of my heart, cleaned my office, picked up my MUCH missed horn, threw a load of wash, and here I am...

Sorry for the delay but now that we're caught up, I want to talk a little bit about God.
Yea.
God.
He's been on my mind in such a big way lately.

I'm sure I'll only be able to scratch the scratch of the scratch of the surface here, but worth the explore, none the less.
I used to think God was the guy with the robes and the long white beard who was gonna get me if I didn't do x, y, or z. X being my CCD homework. Y would be some crazy thing like picking up my socks when I was six. Sin to have a messy room you know. Yea, yea. I know. It does make good sense to keep things orderly. I think more clearly. I'm more focused and productive. I get it. It was never my strong suit, the organization. Whoopy doo! I am great at other stuff. I can bake circles around Betty Crocker. (and make a huge mess) I love to paint a room (and leave the brush out for a week) Gardening is such a delight. I love to plant, pick weeds and prune from morning till night. (don't ask me where my tools are from last time)
A bit exaggerated, perhaps, but my point is that I don't really think that God thinks any less of me because of any of these things. In fact, I think He may find me quite delightful in my messy creative endeavors. Even when that includes making a royal mess of my interpersonal relationships.
I questioned what I was being told to believe.

Which brings me to the bible....

I've read it. I believe a lot of it. I do believe that it is the inspired word of God. I believe that any creative expression, whether it's music, art, dance, writing (or baking!) comes from Spirit. So, yes. Inspired.
What I do not believe is that the time of its writing is the last time God had anything to say. Nor do I believe every single word of it's multiple translations to be anything close to what He truly meant to convey. There are some very well schooled believers who would have you believe that God is downright codependent according to "His Word". These same would be so bold as to reduce God to a mere 7 or 800 some odd pages. Really? This God you speak of only had 800 pages to work with? After that the rest is what, heresy??? Does He really demand worship, praise and glorifying in one particular way or another? I don't think so.

As you can see, I began to question.
I discovered the work of Neal Donald Walsh. It didn't confuse me. It confirmed what I already knew in my gut to be true. God's bigger than that book. AND He's got a whole lot more to say. AND He speaks in every way. He speaks in that soft voice in the back of your mind; the quietest whispers of your heart. (if I could just shut up long enough...)It's very hard to explain. You'll know when you know it's Him. Oh, you'll know. As it was written in the Nag Hammadi (go google that, if you are so inclined) it is about the knowing. Every answer you've ever searched for is already known to you. That's good news, no? It's just a matter of getting quiet enough to find it. I read/discovered that a little while after reading Conversations With God.
So now I had a broader view and a new question. The Nag Hammadi was written by the apostles John, Thomas, Peter and Paul. It never made it into the bible though it's some really good stuff written by the very men who walked with Jesus. My question is this; who got to say what books made the cut into the bible and more importantly, why? To suit whose agenda? Man's agenda of a self created religion of fear? It certainly wasn't excluded in order to promote God's agenda of all inclusive, unconditional, always room for a DO OVER love.
Now I was in the, "YEA, SAYS WHO?" phase of what I believed and to a large extent I still am. I am one who questions everything. Constantly. Heck, even Buddha said not to believe everything we read and hear unless it resonates with our own personal truths. That was to include all that he had to say as well.
Keep questioning. That's how we'll grow.

Then, I happened upon the theory of quantum physics and the time space continuum. Sheesh....even I don't have enough words. Go google. I'll wait right here.
In a nutshell, the time space continuum can be elementarily explained as all that has ever happened and all that will ever happen is happening right now in this very moment. This, my friends,THIS is where God is. God is in the everything.

PAUSE

With me?

Everything is connected. All of it. All of us. We are of the same Spirit. Or, I could say energy. We are of the same energy, if that makes you more comfortable. The same energy that's moving me to write this is moving you to read it. How 'bout them apples? The same energy which causes me to breathe, causes the apple tree to grow. How 'bout THEM apples???

This belief of mine was confirmed at the passing of my daughter. I know that I know she has returned to Spirit. (or the energy from whence she came). I know that I know that I am of that same Spirit. Therefore, I know that I know we are not truly separate. Not any one of us. Not Catholic, Muslim, Buddhist, Jew, Hindi, Protestant or Fundamentalists. We are not separate. To call one wrong is to call all wrong.
It is not possible to have it both ways. There is no reason for any extremism in any arena. No reason to be all black or all white, all left or all right.

Oh yea, this is about God, not religion...
Huge is too small.
Gigantic, no.
Enormous, not quite.
Brobdingnagian....ok, ok, now I'm in the thesaurus....
God...Energy....Spirit....

GOD!

All encompassing. All expressive. All different. All the same. All knowing. All powerful. All weak. All strong. All there is.

All there is not.

I take great comfort in that.

God Bless us all.

HELP!!

Oh man.
May 21st.
How the heck did that happen? Seems like it was just May 8th and I was writing poems about my kids and being a mother.

Truth is, I've been crazy busy the last few weeks.
So busy I can't keep up with laundry.
So busy I can't keep up with my usual spring gardening.
Mopping? HA! That's a laugh.
I've even bailed on a yoga class or two.
It seems the more there is to do, the more I feel the need to do it.
By myself.
Anyone?

Asking for help seems to me to be the hardest thing in the world.
I am not talking about help like coaching or therapy sort of help.
We'll leave that to the professionals.
I am talking about the everyday tasks that must be managed or chaos will surely ensue.
This was brought to my attention so blatantly this week.
I am in a position of middle management type authority, have a team of 10 report to me and have 2 assistants. I've been unofficially in this position for 2 weeks. Officially, for 2 days. On day one of my official appointment, I was creeping dangerously close to 50 minutes and 4 crew members behind in my daily tasks. Yipe!
What could I do??
It was suggested to me by a member of the crew to use my resources. Delegate.
In other words, ask for help!
I'm really bad at it. Up till now, I've never been any good at it. The flash back of examples are still hittin' me. How many good things I've done could have been GREAT if only I'd have asked for help.
Don't get me wrong. This is not meant to be self depreciating at all. I've done a number of some very good things. I just was never really comfortable asking for help.

Call it an ego thing. Who wants to be seen as weak or incompetent? My dad sure did instill independence. But certainly in the context of a group, the leader must always bear in mind the good of the whole. In so doing, I listened.
It was really hard! But the results....

Today instead of being so far behind, we (yes WE, my assistants and I) were ahead of ourselves and the load felt light. The crew was happy because we got to address all concerns. The office personnel were happy because today's work was submitted within the prescribed time frame.
No one was put out or burdened. They were happy to get the job done!
Me?
I don't feel weak, incompetent or even dependent at all. I feel confident that the work of this particular crew will be great because we work as a team. I feel secure knowing there are people I can rely on. Together the burden is light.

How many things in my life would be that much easier if only I'd ask for help?
How many things in your life would be that much easier if only you'd ask for help?

HALLELUJAH AND BLESSED BE!

I picked you.
You picked me.
Long before this history.

We knew our journey would be tough.
Up to the last breath we take.
Holding hands.
Forgiving mistakes.

Love remains while spirit floats free.
I thank God
That
I picked you and
You picked me.

I can now let go.
I can be so free.
Forgiving any and all perceived wrong
Or melody in discord with my own song.

So
HALLELUJAH
and
BLESSED BE!!
I picked you and you picked me.

The love remains.
The love surrounds.
There's more than enough to go around.

Do you remember where we got it from?
You may have been two or younger than one.

Our days just filled with joyful delight.
We laugh and we love from morning till night.

Walks to the park
Or glued to the floor,
We're superheros
On our trips to the store.

Eternities on the beach,
The castles we build.
Jumping waves with you
Leaves my heart filled.

Cupcakes in the classroom
On your special day.
It's my honor to celebrate you.
I do it everyday.
(REALLY!)

Where ever it came from,
This much I know.
Love never ends.
It continues to grow.

So my dear children,
My heavenly angel and my dear earthly three,
We've many more trails to hike and mountains to see.
What ever we've yet to face,
What ever it be,
I am humbled and honored
(and so very very grateful)
that
I picked you
and
You picked me.

Happiness Starts at the Stuffmart...

Ok.
It's a problem.
Not just my problem; it's a big problem.
I haven't felt safe enough to say it until...

Until....

They went and made a FaceBook page about it.
Now I feel safe enough to talk about it.

I TOO went to Target for shampoo and spent a hundred fifty dollars!!!!

What is it with this spending, buying, consuming, aquiring, stashing, hording, amassing----don't make me get the thesaurus----purchasing, bargain hunting??? Well we'll save money if we buy that! Right???
Sorry to say, friends, NOOOO!!!
We'll save money if we DON'T buy that!

Seriously, do I have to wait till Bath and Body Works January/June sale so I can stock pile hand soap and shower gel? Really? I need a different fragrance for each season? REALLY?
How about lipstick? Come on, fess up girls. Do I really need another one only a shade and a half from the 73 I already own? Oh! This one has plumperrrrr....yea, we need the plumperrrrr....
Candles, we need candles. Every flavor. Change with the seasons too. Not.
Socks 'cause they're on sale? Books? I must have ten books on the same concepts by ten different authors. Well now I need a smart looking tote bag for these books, right? How about a new handbag because, well, I don't have THAT color yet? Sundress cause it was cheap? Flip flops to match? Earrings too? Sun glasses? I know! Let's go to the OUTLETS!
GEEZE!

I realized, this week, that I truly have a problem. I was picking up a family member from the hospital after they were done with testing. (No worries, all is well.)
The hospital! You'd think I'd be safe there, right? As it turns out, on this particular day, the gift shop was having a close out sale to move inventory.
Okay, fair enough, I didn't have to go into the gift shop. Exactly. I didn't even have to go in! They had these crazy tables all over the lobby! It was like a flea market. So of COURSE I had to look. Come on! He was in recovery for an hour and a half! What's a girl to do??
I found a sweet tea scented candle. Twenty bucks. Whew. Put that down. Even at half price I don't need a lavender candle for ten. They had the same fragrance a size or two smaller. Six dollars. Half price. That makes three. I also had my youngest with me who wanted to buy a present for the person we were there to pick up.
Okay. A mug with a sweet saying. She's so thoughtful. Five bucks.
So my total purchase was eight dollars.
She was so sorry ma'am. They only took a debit card on purchases of $10 or more.
This was my moment. I could A)put the crap down and walk. or B)find another small item to make the $10 minimum or C)there's an ATM right over there ma'am where you can get some cash.
Yea. I went to the ATM. Took out the cash and made the purchase.

What void are we trying to fill?
What are we avoiding looking at and instead aquiring all this stuff to look at?
What anxieties will truly be calmed by more stuff?
Out of curiosity, is this unique to American culture?
Anyone?

This I know.
I lack nothing.
Serenity and peace are but one breath away.
My life is more abundant without this distracting stuff. Instead of time spent aquiring, then taking care of, then working to make more money to aquire more, how about a little simple abundance.
How about abundance of time spent with loved ones?
How about abundance of time spent with your Self?
How about abundance of natural beauty in the world around you to enjoy?
How about abundance of peace in letting go of the need to have more?
I lack nothing.
Neither do you.
Let's just be. We are after all human beings. We are not human doings nor are we human havings.

A few months back I blogged on frugality. While I am still pretty good at most concepts stated, I've not yet conquered this frivilous spending. Cutting corners at the grocery store does not justify spending the savings on junk I don't need!

I declare a DO OVER!
For the next sixty days I commit (uh oh...publicly)to a spending freeze. If the item is not an essential neccessity it's not going in the cart. Period.
I will use every drop of everything I already have before replacing it.
I'll maybe even find new ways to use old stuff. It's just enough already.


Who's in?

Waving the White Flag.....

Surrender...

Hmmmm....

Surrender...

Are we waiving a white flag? Are we giving in? Did we some how create a win/lose situation? Are we still able to stand our ground?

Or, does it provide that ever elusive serenity that I often jump through hoops to experience?

I find that there are so many factors in any given situation that are beyond my control. That being the case, 80% of any of my successes come from just showing up.
There are many things I am responsible for but showing up, just showing up is more than half the battle.

I was in a discussion about a pretty heavy topic with someone close to me recently.
This was one of those decision making type discussions. I did enter in with my preferred outcome in mind, as I often do. This time though, I truly wanted the decision to be mutually reached and fully agreed upon. Not asking for "my way" here.
That there was Step 1 for me. Not asking for my way. Accepting the things I cannot change, as it were.
Into the conversation I was not hearing what I wanted to or even what I thought I would. So here's what I did.

I sat back.
I took some deep calming breaths.

I shut my mouth.
(It does a world of good to shut one's mouth. Two ears, one mouth, you do the math.)

Then I listened.
I listened with my ears, my heart, and my higher self.
I gained a good amount of respect for the person I was talking with and their position. Even better, I realized that it did not change what I think, how I feel, or disturb my peace of mind. The fact that we did not even come to a concrete decision leaves me undisturbed as well. There are some issues in the way of making this decision. But they are not mine.

They are not mine.

How wonderfully freeing it is to understand that.
They are not mine.
I do not have to work hard to convince this other person about anything.
I do not have to fix them.
I do not have to look after them.
I do not have to seek solutions for them.

This is where it gets simple. *Note that simple and easy are not the same!
Sometimes the answer is no answer.
Sometimes the outcome will play out to be a situation or scenario better than what I could conceive of. Sometimes it will be what I didn't even know I wanted.

That is the type of surrender I'm talking about here. Not conceding to another's point of view or agenda....

...just sittin' back and bending with the flow of life.

Take a deep breath.
Let life in.

Pajama Party

Wow! What an exciting and happy week!
The kids are off of school, relaxed, and having fun.
I am back to work...no, really, the doing this do over at work, work.
The company I work for, Primerica, (and this IS a plug) is undergoing a DO OVER
of their/our own! A former subsidiary of Citi, we'll be ringin' that bell on Wall Street at the close of business on April 1st and standing on our own. WOOT! This is 30+ years in the making and there's never been a better time to get involved! (ask me how!)

I've got a really good one for you today.
Get ready for a good laugh.
About three weeks ago I hired a psychologist who happens to specialize in anger management. Oh, heck yea. Don't let my sunny disposition fool you. Anger. Plenty. Mmm Hmm.
This guy reminds me a whole lot of Jack Nicholson so it is kind of funny. He is a bit slighter in build but has that raspy Jack voice. He's also a little abrasive, but in a charming way. He keeps it real. No excuses. Either you are a thing or you are not. There is no try. These philosophies really appeal to me. He also offers a loosely (very loosely) structured program of getting one foot back in front of the other. It's not just yammering on. He does put some focus on result. I have used him in the past for other situations so I thought I'd hire him again. To manage my anger.
My first appointment was double booked by his secretary. I thought that was rather ironic. I walk into the office only to be told I didn't have an appointment that day. I knew I did. I pulled out my planner. There it was in black and well, my planner pages are blue. I was mad but wasn't going to say so as the secretary was apologizing her fool bloody head off. Really, it was almost to the point of foolish!
And then THAT was making me mad. It was almost as if it were a test to see how I'd react. Maybe one of those nutty things that nutty docs do for kicks instead of a boring questionaire assessment. I kept my cool as we rescheduled the appointment. "oh don't you worry....everything happens for a reason...its okaaaayyy...." Meanwhile she's still apologizing like she killed my dog...

I got a new appointment and mumbled to myself all the way to the car. I was not amused. In retrospect, I am sure it might have appeared amusing to see a woman walking out of the shrink's office mumbling to herself. There's testimonial for ya!

So we had 3 appointments and things were going well. I am making progress. Feeling great about nearly everything. I've gotten 7 pounds in front of my weight issue! (thank you Zumba!) I am back at work and actually productive! The respectful rapport and understanding has returned between me and the kids. Life is good. Today's appointment confirmed all of that for me.

Today I went to my appointment, knocked on the door and let myself in as usual. Out comes Dr. Makinmemad in his paJAMaaaaas!!!! Did I mention the office is at his house? He says to me, "What're you doin' here? I don't open till 11" I said, "Well Dr. Crazypants I have a 10:00 appointment." ..."No you don't, that's impossible. I gotta go to the bank. I gotta confirm reservations. I gotta this that and 32 other things to do and I'm all embarrassed standing here in my pajamas."

Now I'm thinkin' okaaaaaay...where's the camera?? This cannot be for real. I just chuckled a little bit and told him not to be embarrassed about his flannels. (giggle)
They were rather stylish blue and green plaid worn with a nautica sweatshirt.
And then I reminded him that HE made the appointment only last Thursday. It's Tuesday today. Must've been a long weekend. He informed me that that was impossible because he doesn't open until 11. He dismissed me and asked me to call this afternoon to reschedule.

ummmmm......


yea........

about that.....

Today I learned that I am doing really, really well. The professional I hired to help me cannot get out of his jammies long enough to look in the appointment book and I was worried about being 90 seconds late. I do find it extremely ironic and rather amusing.
But here's the best news of all.
That guy just saved me 50 bucks a week.
Closer and closer to that 1.46 Million.

Everything does happen for a reason. The messages are usually pretty clear. I did not need that guy. Perhaps, he may benefit from as much as reading my blog. Sounds like SOMEbody could use a DO OVER...find some quiet head space...something!

Sometimes the messages aren't so clear.
Then you just have to be patient and wait for it.
TRUTH is always revealed.

;)
LOL

Whose Problem It Anyway?

I am soooo calling a Do Over....
Sorry for the gap in my writing but the poop did hit the fan in the last few weeks and my head was in a very dark and stinky place (if you catch my drift...)
Also I gave up the facebook for lent which inadvertently led to the giving up of much more of my computer time in favor of more prayer, meditation, reading etc.

Anyway, what I want to share today is something so personal but well worth putting out there. When it was first said to me I was totally offended (that ol' chestnut!)but now am able to see the validity and even apply it to my current situation.

When I was in the throws of the final treatments for my daughter in Arizona I constantly sought the wisdom of a very spiritual man. His name is Pastor Fred. My kids call him P Freddy. He leads the good people of Hope Community Church in Scottsdale Arizona. If you ever have the chance, believe me, it is an hour well spent. For me, anyway, God delivers a personal message right to me through this man every single time. Like it or not. The easy ones and the turn around and take a good hard look at your own damn self kind. Good stuff.

One day, near the end of Cait's life I was totally F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G O-U-T. I went to him for some comfort and guidance. It went a little something like this...

Me: OMG OMG OMG What am I gonna do? How am I going to handle this? I am all alone! I feel so lost! I'm outta my head! What am I gonna do?? I can't get her to do this that or the other! I can't find the cure! I can't understand! I don't get the message here! I'm so confused! I, I, I, I, I!!!! EEEK!! Help me Help me Help MEEE!!!

P Freddy: What is the absolute worst case scenario here?

Me: She'll die!! What'll I do then? (nearly hyperventilating by now even though I brought us both a Tazo Calm tea....iced of course....this was the desert!)

P Freddy: So? She dies? So?

Me: SoooOOOOOoooooo???? So? Are you kidding me??? SO?????

P Freddy: Yes, Michelle. What happens if she dies? What then happens to you?

Me: I, uh, errr, (so much for Toastmasters) ummmmm....i.....still.....live?

P Freddy: Yes ma'am. You go on. You live. What needs to happen here is that you need to separate what is happening to her from what is happening to you. Caiti has cancer, you do not.

Here's where I nearly spit my tea on the ground.

Me: Wha? Cai..? Huh? Really? Her? Not me?

I really did not quite know what to make of that at the time. Really. There I was in Ari - freaking - zona and this guy was telling me that this was not happening to me. The rest of my family in NJ. So many, TOO many things WAAAAAY beyond my control.

Hmmmmm.....offended.....at first.

But, my friends, therein lies the lesson.
I learned that there is just way the heck too much beyond my control that I must let it go. Cancer was happening to Cait and not to me. Her dad was going through some stuff that I was not equipped to understand or help him with. At this particular time my kids were all back in NJ and I had no control over what was going on there either.

Currently, my teenagers (God bless them, please!!) are making some really goofy choices. To the best of my knowledge they are experimenting and exploring. Substances and their budding sexuality. Yikes. This all came to a head about 3 weeks ago. I immediately went into my knee jerk BETTER FIND A WAY TO FIX THIS/THEM NOW mode, which just does not work. With the help of some very wise friends and compassionate friends I am able to sit back. I sit back just far enough to check my behavior, offer guidance (sometimes very LOUD guidance) but let them do as they'll do. They do and will also live with the real consequences of their choices.

And....

That is all happening to them and not me.
I have learned to let go, and let God.
What ever this is, I know He's got it.

Just for today, let it go.
Control only what you can.
Your thoughts. Your beliefs. Your behaviors.

Go outside (it is gorgeous on the Jersey Shore today!).
Take a walk. Put it down. Get on your bike. Paint a picture. Do your thing.
Just let it go........
You'll find me on the boards in Asbury ;)

Love from the Father....

So I gave up the face book for Lent and have deliberately spent more time with God.
This is something I like to do during Advent and Lent. I carve out more time for prayer, meditation, and bible study. Why I do this in spurts is beyond me. It just occurred to me this year that it would be very beneficial to do this all the time.
Here's what I've learned thus far.
God listens.
God responds.
God likes to mess around a little.

In the past I have asked God for help with the "big" stuff. Help me be the best mom. Help me be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend etc. Help us find answers for Cait. What do you want me to dooooo with this life? You know, the big stuff. I never really "bothered" God, though with those things that I thought should be with in my control. (Ha---my control, that's a good one)
Until now, that is. Just a few days ago I asked God for some help with my housework. The floors are constantly filthy. No, really, fil-THY. Three kids, two dogs, one cat, and melting snow make for disaster on the hard woods. So I asked God to help me get in front of that. I also asked God for help with my weight struggle. I have gained 10-15 pounds for every year that my daughter was sick. After she died I gained another 15 pounds. I'll wait while you do that math.

............

Yes. That adds up to YIKES!! God, I need help with this! So I asked God to get me in front of that too. I am going to the YMCA faithfully and while things are beginning to tighten up, the scale has not budged!

Anyway, from a previous post you all know that I keep a small dish of chocolates next to my bed. I put one on the pillow each night for a treat. Lately I've taken to turning in early and reading or studying in bed. I also end up eating ALL of the chocolate. A few days ago after tidying my room I replenished my supply. I then went out and about for the day. I returned just shortly after my kids came home from school. I went upstairs to remove my shoes and get my slippers. One step over the threshold and I noticed it. Something was wrong. Someone had been in my room. Something was missing. I just knew. I was very creeped out. I got my slippers from THAT side of the bed, the same side as the night stand. HOLY MOLY!!!! MY DISH OF CHOCOLATES WAS EMPTY!!!
Someone WAS in my room, but who?? I ran to the jewelry box and everything was there.
All of my fine jewelry and favorite costume pieces were all in place. Heck, the diamond heart necklace I had worn the day before was still out on my dresser. Hmmmm.
Someone was reeeeally messing with me. How rude. Everything, all of my tchatchkies were in place on the nightstand untouched. The dust, even the dust was unmarked! Just the chocolate was gone.

I did what any other level headed, understanding mother would do."CHIL----DREEENNNNNN!!!! FRONT AND CENTER! NOW!!!"
My children came running in a panic to see what was wrong. I could barely catch my breath. I couldn't believe one of them would have the audacity to...geeze...I even invite them in for one on one time in my room and SHARE my chocolate. How could they???
So as ever gently as I could muster, I asked in the sweetest tone, "AllllRIGHT!!!! WHICH ONE OF YOU HAD YOUR GRUBBY LITTLE.....ahem....I mean....Darlings? Have you any idea as to the whereabouts of mother's supply of chocolate? It seems to have gone missing. Any ideas? I'll know if you're lying."
Trouble is I also know when they are not lying. They weren't. They knew nothing about it. The chocolate was gone. Then it occurred to me.....I asked God for help with...my...

REALLY GOD!?!?! IT WAS YOU???? REALLY?????

Couldn't have been the dog. Everything else was untouched. Mookie is just not that graceful. Plus, wouldn't we have at least seen the wrappers on the floor? Something?

I didn't really have time to give it much more thought. We had the Y, homework, dinner and scouts to get through.
Got into bed that night. HMPH! No chocolate. Tossed and flailed and turned till I fell asleep.

The next day I woke up and did my usual morning dance with Mookie. You know, the one where he tries to trip me down the hall way and make me fall down the stairs. This time he did the trip thing and in my usual way I ever so politely asked him if he would mind stepping to one side, one .... side, one .... SIDE?? What the hell is that, there on that side?? Oh yuck! I almost stepped in it. UGH! Slimy gross EWWW...smelly...and over there too....and KEEE---RIPES! DOWNSTAIRS TOO?
Yes. Piles of...we'll say "recycled" chocolate. Complete with shiny wrappers.

It was the dog. How he did that, I'll never know. He left no trace whatsoever. I am so careful about closing my bedroom door. But now, not only did I not have any chocolate but the floors became the priority, didn't they?

Please hear me.
God listens. God responds.
Could this all have been a coincidence?
Be so careful of what you ask for.
He delivers.
He loves us so.

ps...to all of you dog lovers out there, ti's a complete fallacy that dogs are killed by chocolate. It's more likely that they are killed by their owners after eating the chocolate! Just kidding. Mookie is just fine. Tail waggin', goofiest, pain in the.....geeze, I love that dog. That there is his baby picture. He's two now.

Spread the Happy

"In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the RIGHT THING, the next best thing is the WRONG THING, and the worst thing you can do is NOTHING."-T. Roosevelt

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals."

"Go under, go over or go around but never give up"-Jim Meyer

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."- Thomas Edison

"Your attitude determines your altitude."

"Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow."

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying: I will try again tomorrow."

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"If you think you can or you can't, you're right!"- Henry Ford

"People to weak to follow their own dreams will try to find a way to discourage yours."

"100% of the shots I don't take don't go in."- Wayne Gretzky

THIS IS EASY.
I AM AWESOME.
I HAVE UNLIMITED ENERGY.
I LIKE MYSELF I LOVE MY WORK.
I AM CONFIDENT.
I AM RESPONSIBLE.
I AM A GREAT TEST TAKER.
I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY.
I KNOW ONLY THE CORRECT ANSWERS.
I PASSED MY TEST.

These are just some of the notes from a Securities class I took to pass my Series 6 exam. They make me feel so good! The instructor believed in the power of raising dopamine levels. We'd cram for 90-120 minutes and then get up and dance to some really loud, pumping music for 10-15 minutes. He'd have us alternate stocks, bonds, portfolios, beta, blahblah, with a full on party. This was the work of a gentleman whose funeral service I'll be attending tomorrow.

It touches so close to my heart because he embodied that same crazy "can do" attitude of my daughter Cait. His positive attitude, like hers, made him a ray of light to all who knew him. This is a guy who, while being treated at Memorial Sloan Kettering would bring piles of red roses with him and hand them to patients, staff, and I am sure anyone else he encountered. Many thought he was an employee. He, himself was a patient. Caiti was inspired by him, having only met him once and adopted her own version while we were in AZ. She instead chose Gerbera Daisies and we handed them out at her treatment center, the bagel place, the grocery store, the post office, in parking lots...where ever we happened to be. She called it, "spreading the happy"

Their similarities in mental toughness inspire me. Caiti barely gave a nod to her disease. She was sky diving six weeks before her death. She was way too busy living every moment that was given her. The last conversation I had with my securities teacher he told me of a surgery he needed to have to repair a perforated esophagus. This he referred to as merely a nuisance. At diagnosis he was reported to have barely even flinched. Caiti too. She wanted to know if she could skip all the big chemo and go straight to experimental therapies that might help someone else have an easier time in the future.

This is how it is with people like Cait and my teacher. They teach by example. They lead just by living. They inspire with their attitudes. Always smiling. Always tough. Always reaching out for others. "Spreading the happy"

I believe their message to be one of the most important of this life time.
The monkeys of this universe will continue and continue and continue to hurl shit our way. *sorry, no better way to say it*
It is then that we have a choice to make about our reality in relation to the shit.
We can get filthy, learn to dodge it, and learn to let it roll off.
We can get bitter or get better.
We can say why me or why not me?
It all comes back to a matter of perspective.
Wallow in it or rise above it.

Step the heck on out and scrape that stuff off your shoes!! There's so much good livin' to be done!

Thank you, Cait.
Thank you, Mark. (give her a high five for me, will ya?)
The two of you are teachers, mentors, and sources of inspiration for many.

I will keep your spirits alive in examining my perspective, reaching out to others, and continuing to spread your happy where ever I go.

You'll Never Know...

...if you never try.

Two years ago on this very date I was moving into the sweetest little apartment in Scottsdale, AZ with my two oldest daughters. I loved every inch of those 700 sq feet.
The landscape was tidy. The inside was clean and comfortable. The back yard was the coolest complete with a patio that was covered by a pergola and surrounded by long, flowy, white linen panels. I loved sitting out there. I called home from there. I journaled out there. I thought, prayed and meditated out there. Sometimes I cried out there. Mostly, I felt; I knew, really knew I belonged there. At that time I was deeply connected to that place. The land, the air, the mountains, the cactus, the indigenous wildlife all welcomed me.

From the moment a business associate shared his thoughts with me, I knew what was to be done. In fact, I think that day was the first time I was ever even introduced to him. This man asked me, "How would you like to never know if it will work or not because you didn't even try? How well will you be able to live with that?" Well HOLY CRAP. In my minds eye I remember that moment so vividly. We were in a room with about 498 other people. The room went dark. The room went silent. All I could see were his eyes and all I could hear was his voice. The words sliced through every trace element of doubt I could possibly have had. This was 36 days before I found myself in the Valley of the Sun.

In those 36 days we made all of the preparations. We were going to seek alternative treatments for my daughter who had cancer. These treatments were not covered by insurance. We didn't care. We raised money. Communities came together for Cait's benefit. Flights were donated. It was a truly amazing time. Every single thing we could possibly have needed was provided. Friends volunteered to care for our two younger children and Mookie. He was just 5 months old at the time! People sent food. How very blessed we are to have had this tremendous support. Gratitude doesn't even begin to touch what we felt. It's like teams and teams and TEAMS of angels came to be at our sides to guide, provide, and protect. There were even teams of angels placed to greet us and guide us in Arizona. Amazing.

Here's the thing. People said we were crazy. They told us not to go. They said it wouldn't work. They talked about statistics. Treatment was $100,000.00. Yes. One hundred THOUSAND dollars. We had living expenses on top of that. It seemed impossible. We didn't listen. We focused on the goal. The goal was simply to make the very best decisions for Caiti given all the options. We never backed down. We were so incredibly driven. We made some mistakes but continued to get up and get up and get up. We raised every cent.

We were able to fly friends out for Caiti. We were able to see much of Arizona. We visited beautiful red rocks of Sedona, hidden away lakes in Apache Junction, and the Grand Canyon. We were given many gifts. I personally got the most amazing opportunity to really bond with my teenage daughters. I would not trade this experience for the world. I learned so much and was given much.

Coming around to my point, we had a dream. We didn't back down. We tuned out naysayers. There was no room for cynicism or doubt. Without question we forged ahead. At times I was scared out of my head, but did it anyway. We aligned with the Divine and did what had to be done. The outcome is what the outcome is. We tried. We enjoyed some very rich, rewarding, and unique experiences because of it. That, I can live with.

What in life is not worth this amount of risk? You want to start that business? You want to write that book? Fall in love? Go your own way? Build that bed and breakfast? Open that shop? Lose that weight? Buy that house? Train for that marathon? Find a way to pay off that debt? Change a bad habit? Pick up that hobby? Start a savings program? Mend a broken relationship? Take that course? Join that gym or club? Have that adventure? Climb that mountain? Anything!
What ever it is, "How would you like to never know if it will work or not because you didn't even try? How well will you be able to live with that?"

Trust me. Believe me when I tell you. The angels are poised and ready to assist. You must believe in you and your dreams as much as they do. Then take every action necessary.

Shake it up....

BABY!!

So I just posted on being offended. (go read that one first--we'll be here when you're done!)

I have to share my Saturday night antics, surprises and complete turn around which was also of my own choosing. (I am beginning to see a pattern here)

So I had a crappy week. I was really down on myself and totally depressed. It came to having spent most of the week in tears. None of my tricks were working!! So I succumbed because, sometimes you just have to cry. No, really, sometimes, you just have to go cry about that!
By Saturday it was like this. Cried through feeding my Mookie, my morning coffee, and my shower. Got in the car. Lots of make up on to cover the red splotchy cry face. Tears began...CRAP!! I was on my way to the office!! I can't cry NOW! So I figured out this face. I squintched up my nose and raised my lip up with it and wa-la! Tears stopped! Ok. Good. God only knows what this looks like at the red light, but I wasn't crying.

I got to the office, did my thing and got back into my car and was crying again! CRIPES!! I blinked. I squintched. I lifted my lip. Nothin. So I did what any girl would do and went to the park to cry it out. Cry. Cry. Cry. I ran out of park time and pulled myself reasonably together because I now had to face my kids. Cry days are much easier when they're in school! I was kind of okay but DANG they know me too well!! A few drops fell through pizza and the cupcake my daughter bought to cheer me. (I L-O-V-E cake. It cures anything!!)
I had plans to go out with friends. After pizza the kids went to their dad's. Hmph. The door didn't even close yet and I was crying again. Then my mind started going.
Maybe I should stay home.
What a drag I am.
Who's gonna want to hang w/me like this?
Wish to hell I could pull myself together!
I know!
I am going to go out tonight and drown these blues with my friend Jack. (single barrel, silver label, if you please)
That's what I'll do....lose these blues in a bottle of booze.

It then began to snow. Although I was meant to be at a neighborhood bar, it was not in MY neighborhood. I didn't care about no stinkin snow. I got myself ready; again way the heck more makeup than usual to compensate for cry face. Nothing was going to hold me back. I was almost a little excited even. I was gonna be baaaad. Stir some trouble. Yeaaaa...You must know that I usually don't drink more than 2-3 glasses of wine in a week. Most times less! Also,(*disclaimer*) I am not in the practice of drinking and driving. I have a good deal worked out with my driving teenager and I was in the company of many who'd have seen to my safety.

Got in the car...... CRY!!!

REALLY???
Maybe it would have helped to shut Sarah Maclaughlin the heck off, but more on that later.
So I got to the bar (safely, despite the snow, the continually iced up windshiled, and the blurred vision through tears) and don't you just know I left my STINKIN cash in my other STINKIN pants (I thought only guys did this?)and so I didn't drink. Rustled up a fiver for one glass of wine at about 9:30. Stayed till 2.
Really. I was sober.
The night was going on. Karaoke was being sung. Sometimes it was sung well and sometimes we all had a good laugh. A friend was there who I haven't seen in quite a while. She spoke of Cait, my marriage, this blog and her thoughts on all of that. She offered a gift of perfect encouragement at precisely the right time. I tried not to cry to no avail. Thank God it was just a few drops.

Feeling a little awkward I was unsure how the rest of the night would go.

Into the bar walks this man. Man has a bag with him. Inside the bag are a set of bongos and an eggshaker. Yes. Eggshaker. There is nothing funner in the whole wide world than eggshaking! This guy was brilliant on the bongos. He played with another friend. He came over to me and asked me if I "egg". Do I "egg"? To be truthful, I have dabbled in the art of eggshakery. He handed me the eggshaker and then the magic happened. He was impressed with my mad egging skill and said he wanted to start a band with a kickin' percussion ensemble. He asked me if I'd be the egger. HOORAY! This brought me one step closer to a very top secret dream of mine. I have allllways wanted to be an "ooooh-girl". You know, a back up singer. I agreed to be the egger. When this project goes down, I am all over it!! Anyway, I went on egging as he played bongo with another friend. I continually picked up on and played off of their energy and rhythm. I was funner than fun. There is that special place in between time and space where musicians connect and create. I just do love it there.

By the end of the night, I was filled with joy. I had egged my way through every bad karaoke song, sang one (I Will Survive---are you surprised?), laughed, danced, and had a really fun evening. At closing this percussionist was packing up his bongos and I offered him back the egg. He let me keep it!! I passed the audition AND have a souvenier!! I will keep it with me for all of my days!

Who knew that so much joy could be contained in a little plastic egg that has beads inside?

Guess what?

It wasn't the egg. That joy came from within. The egg certainly was a conduit. But the joy-- the essence of the joy was mine. I just had to shake it up a little.
Here's my point. Back to Sarah Maclaughlin....LOVE her! I do. But she makes me cry. If I so choose, I can stay in complete cry mode and leave it on. Or I can change the CD. A little Bruce Springsteen anyone? I'm workin on my dream, you?
I certainly am comin' on up for the rising. You?
Playing that little egg, shaking it all up, choosing to play and stop my wallowing changed my rhythm, my vibration. There is science to this. It is part of sacred drumming. It works! It moves your essence around. Shakes it up a bit. You don't have to believe me. Go google. Take a look at sound healing while your at it. Good stuff!

So, if you ever see me at the red light with a squintched up face shaking my egg, you'll know it's not been a good day but it is certainly is on it's way to better.

Eggshakers.
The official tool of the 2010
DO OVER!!

Be blessed!
(and thank you bongo man! Where ever you are....)