Whose Problem It Anyway?

I am soooo calling a Do Over....
Sorry for the gap in my writing but the poop did hit the fan in the last few weeks and my head was in a very dark and stinky place (if you catch my drift...)
Also I gave up the facebook for lent which inadvertently led to the giving up of much more of my computer time in favor of more prayer, meditation, reading etc.

Anyway, what I want to share today is something so personal but well worth putting out there. When it was first said to me I was totally offended (that ol' chestnut!)but now am able to see the validity and even apply it to my current situation.

When I was in the throws of the final treatments for my daughter in Arizona I constantly sought the wisdom of a very spiritual man. His name is Pastor Fred. My kids call him P Freddy. He leads the good people of Hope Community Church in Scottsdale Arizona. If you ever have the chance, believe me, it is an hour well spent. For me, anyway, God delivers a personal message right to me through this man every single time. Like it or not. The easy ones and the turn around and take a good hard look at your own damn self kind. Good stuff.

One day, near the end of Cait's life I was totally F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G O-U-T. I went to him for some comfort and guidance. It went a little something like this...

Me: OMG OMG OMG What am I gonna do? How am I going to handle this? I am all alone! I feel so lost! I'm outta my head! What am I gonna do?? I can't get her to do this that or the other! I can't find the cure! I can't understand! I don't get the message here! I'm so confused! I, I, I, I, I!!!! EEEK!! Help me Help me Help MEEE!!!

P Freddy: What is the absolute worst case scenario here?

Me: She'll die!! What'll I do then? (nearly hyperventilating by now even though I brought us both a Tazo Calm tea....iced of course....this was the desert!)

P Freddy: So? She dies? So?

Me: SoooOOOOOoooooo???? So? Are you kidding me??? SO?????

P Freddy: Yes, Michelle. What happens if she dies? What then happens to you?

Me: I, uh, errr, (so much for Toastmasters) ummmmm....i.....still.....live?

P Freddy: Yes ma'am. You go on. You live. What needs to happen here is that you need to separate what is happening to her from what is happening to you. Caiti has cancer, you do not.

Here's where I nearly spit my tea on the ground.

Me: Wha? Cai..? Huh? Really? Her? Not me?

I really did not quite know what to make of that at the time. Really. There I was in Ari - freaking - zona and this guy was telling me that this was not happening to me. The rest of my family in NJ. So many, TOO many things WAAAAAY beyond my control.

Hmmmmm.....offended.....at first.

But, my friends, therein lies the lesson.
I learned that there is just way the heck too much beyond my control that I must let it go. Cancer was happening to Cait and not to me. Her dad was going through some stuff that I was not equipped to understand or help him with. At this particular time my kids were all back in NJ and I had no control over what was going on there either.

Currently, my teenagers (God bless them, please!!) are making some really goofy choices. To the best of my knowledge they are experimenting and exploring. Substances and their budding sexuality. Yikes. This all came to a head about 3 weeks ago. I immediately went into my knee jerk BETTER FIND A WAY TO FIX THIS/THEM NOW mode, which just does not work. With the help of some very wise friends and compassionate friends I am able to sit back. I sit back just far enough to check my behavior, offer guidance (sometimes very LOUD guidance) but let them do as they'll do. They do and will also live with the real consequences of their choices.

And....

That is all happening to them and not me.
I have learned to let go, and let God.
What ever this is, I know He's got it.

Just for today, let it go.
Control only what you can.
Your thoughts. Your beliefs. Your behaviors.

Go outside (it is gorgeous on the Jersey Shore today!).
Take a walk. Put it down. Get on your bike. Paint a picture. Do your thing.
Just let it go........
You'll find me on the boards in Asbury ;)