Get up offa that couch!!!

Good morning!
I got a good one....
I started training for a 5K.
To RUN a 5k.
Did I mention that I am now 42 and normally the only thing I ever run is my mouth?

The idea came to me in normal Michelle Brown fashion, a big ol' nudge from the great beyond.

A while back one of my readers emailed me and told me that by reading my blog she got inspired to take just one hour each day for herself. She's a busy mom, career girl, all that. So at first she just would shut down and read a magazine or something fluffy but then got to feeling like she should do something more. So she started walking. Then she added a li'l weight training. She lost 20 pounds.
Greeeaaatttt......maybe I should go read my blog.

I filed that information away under "Get to this someday" and went about my business.
About a month or two later I was at my local, very favorite taco eatery ordering up ten delicious tacos (that each come with chips and salsa) to share with my family.
Yes. Ten tacos. They were only 99 cents each for customer appreciation month. Of COURSE I ordered the maximum allowed, what would you do?
So while I waited for my ten tacos (5 soft, 5 crispy; yea, crispy; it means FRIED and DELICIOUS. ) I picked up the complimentary NJ Fitness magazine. This season's theme was running. I thumbed through. I came across this article titled Couch Potato to 5K. How interesting. I am a couch potato who would love to run a 5K. Seems that it's a whole movement. Web site. Facebook presence. Progress tracking tools.
I actually did go home and check it out. Read up. Studied the program. Bought new socks. And then went on with my life. Not running. Walking. Sometimes.

About a month ago I began training someone new in my business. Spending a fair amount of time together, we get to talking about stuff. Remember, I am good at running. My mouth. I told him how I packed on the pounds when Cait got sick and they've yet to budge and he told me about P90X. HA! That was a good one. Go google that. Yea. Not today. That was a few weeks ago. Last week he introduced me to Couch Potato to 5K. Said he's been doing it for some weeks and I ought to try it. Don't know how I know, but I know that I know that when something comes across my path and catches my attention more than once in a relatively short period of time, I am meant to embrace it or at least investigate it.

I knew what to do. I studied this thing at the taco joint. I committed to the program to my young colleague. And now I suppose I've just committed publicly.
Greeeeaaaaaaatttttt.......

Day one was yesterday and if nothing else it makes for some really great blogging fodder. I set out to do this thing because don't you know that whipper snapper texted me at 4:07 pm to remind me that it was my start day. "Don't forget to run"
Hrumph.
I put my sneakers on and the socks I bought for the occasion. I put a scarf on in case it was cold and my trusty pumpkin fest cap with the brim down low so they wouldn't know it was me. At 5:30. So it was dark too.

Now day one consists of only a 20 minute session. 90 seconds walking and 60 second running. How hard could it be?

.........

It was a very long 20 minutes.

.........

The first 60 seconds was no problem. Got it. Did it. Recovered well. Walked 90. The next 60 was not so easy but got through it. Walked 90. Just about recovered and time to go again. Breathing heavy. Walked 90 and Crap, already??! It went like this till ...

STEP
THWAP
Flailing ensued as I tripped over my now untied shoelace. This was at the halfway point. I did not fall, thank God. I just flailed about until I regained my balance
I got to stop for a couple seconds and tie my shoe but then I got right back in. 90/60/90/60....
The route was only a mile out and back. How did THAT take 20 minutes I wondered. It's a route I walk frequently with no problem. Usually takes me 25 to 30 so I guess this is good.
I was a little sore afterward. Nothing crazy but my body felt like I did something. Hello quadriceps!
I also actually broke a sweat. This is good news. Even in Arizona hiking up and down mountains I rarely broke a sweat. I have to say that I was a little nervous that I'd be sore this morning and I am not. I actually feel really great. I slept really well.

Point here after all that running and likely run ons?
The universe sends messages. A couple of times in case you are slow like me. Usually they are messages about things that are good for you.
I am looking forward to my next session but certainly taking it only one session at a time.

Anything on your back burner?

Daughters may out grow your lap....

When I opened facebook this morning, like I do most mornings, I saw that a friend of mine had posted this quote:

A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart.

He wrote this in celebration of his daughter's birthday. The quote struck me right away because on this day two years ago, my first born daughter not only outgrew my lap, she out grew this earth! I did not know what this day would bring in terms of grieving and sadness and even had a pretty good panic attack (or two) over it last week.

About the grieving...I am going to address it here, publicly. We have all been there to some degree. In my humble opinion, it is not well addressed in this society. Resources are few. Socially...yea, well, no. It's not the same as depression. There ain't no pill...
Some days the pain is so great that all I hear is a very loud ringing in my head. If you talk to me it may seem like I really am paying attention but it's likely I will not remember what we said. Some days my feet feel like ten thousand pounds of lead each. It's horrendous. Some days. Some days it makes me so angry and frustrated because I'll never understand it fully as long as I am of this earth. Some days I am so profoundly sad. I miss her in the physical like crazy. Some days. Some days I feel absolutely crazy thinking that I've received some "message" or other from her. Some days I embrace that. Some days I worry so hard about my other children. I worry about the time they lost with me. Some days I think about all her beautiful friends and feel very jealous. There will be no college, wedding, or babies. Some days I am so very disappointed.

At this time last year I was in Arizona. I had a cry up on Bear Wallow. I went to all the places that we used to. I visited with the friends we made. I came home and damn near lost my mind. The Sads had come for what felt like an eternity. I was in my bed or on my couch for three months. I am so very grateful for the people in my life who showed up and stayed. I was not easy to be near. I had a tough time with myself. My doctor said clinical depression. I was in and out of hospitals thinking I had a heart problem. I sure did have a heart problem, but not one detectable with their instruments. My heart was broken.

It was like being at the bottom of a very deep and very dark canyon without a flashlight. It was cold. It was lonely even though people who love me came around.
It was a very scary place to be.

Slowly, one minute, then one hour, then one day at a time I began to emerge from that darkness. I prayed more. My prayer life took a huge turn. The comfort of God's peace was granted. 2010 brought many more gifts and reasons to celebrate as well.
Almost everywhere I turn there is something new to be happy about. It is November now but feels a bit like spring time. All around are reminders to live, be happy, and love.
I have begun to facilitate a bereavement group in my church. This is nothing more than locking arms with those whose pain is similar (no 2 are anywhere near alike so I never pretend to know)and walking through the dark together. I've made new friends and some strides in my business. The children are thriving and pour their joy on me daily. There have been many reasons to celebrate and even some we made up.

The biggest lesson I've learned is that this life is for the living. It is to be embraced and celebrated, for, not one of us physically gets out alive. I am grateful for the knowledge of just how precious and fleeting this life can be. So very happy am I to have been reminded of that today by a quote in celebration of daughters.

So very grateful am I for the time spent, the laughter, the love (that continues), and the lessons.


Rest in peace, my sweet angel. I know the day will come when we are reunited. In the mean time, I'll do what I can to rock my days, grab 'em with two hands and squeeze all the joy out of this life that I can.